Colors of Your Life

i want to know…

~ why you leap for joy.
~ what is it you hold in your gently cupped hands?
~ where does the curving path lead?
~ for what do you reach?
~ what dreams live inside your young soul?
~ what lights the fire inside
and sends the lava flowing?
~ from where do you come and
where are you going?



~ how does the sun warm your heart?
~ what does it mean to “live wild?”
~ what brings you sadness?
~ for what do you reach?
~ who defines magic?
~ what causes your tears
and brings you delight?
~ where are you going and
~ where have you been?

tell me, please.
~ what are the colors of your life?

…i want to know.

photo by maryjane hughlett

Feminine World

I am the pain of the world, covered with blue scarves & white.
I am the beauty of the world, bare-shouldered with upswept hair.
I am the fire of the world, burning with desire and hope.
I am the joy of the world, reaching toward the heavens.



I am the beauty of the world, bare-shouldered with upswept hair.
I am the luscious berry, bursting with flavor.
I am the joy of the world, reaching toward the heavens.
I am the soul of the world, centered through pain, beauty, touch and taste.

I am the luscious berry.
I am the fire of the world.
I am the soul of the world.
I am the pain of the world, covered with blue scarves & white.



photo by maryjane hughlett

Good Morning, Sunshine

Good Morning, Sunshine.

Smile. Rest. Pause in the day.
Take a slow start for
often even goodness—-the bursting of joy-—moves things too quickly.
So pause. Consider things slowly & thoughtfully.

Spend time with a friend. With God.
Listen to the words of a song. Take them in. Absorb them.
Stop to smell the roses. Let their fragrance permeate your soul.

Watch the sunset. The sunrise. Embrace the seasons of life.
Touch a baby’s skin. An aged person’s wrinkles.
Experience the beauty.



Look into another’s eyes. Eyes surrounded by a dirt-crusted face & filthy hair.
Look into the soul. You may see Jesus there or
you may see yourself—hurting and longing for something more.

Slow down.
Take a walk and really see what is around you.
Ride the bus. Smell the smells. Feel the life.
Encounter Christ in the midst.

I met Faith at a bus stop. So beautiful. So memorable.
Was she real?
A stranger in the midst?
An angel?

Take time to smell the coffee. Feel its warmth. Be soothed by it rather than jolted and injected.
Breathe.

Listen to the sounds of silence.
A whispering fan. A chirping bird. A passing car. Notes of a softly playing guitar.
Sounds of silence. Sounds of quiet. A pause in the new day.

Consider things to be done slowly.
The start of the new day. The evening's close.
Prayer. Peace. Patience.

Good Morning, Sunshine.

photo by maryjane hughlett

Brazos de Dios

Part I

A red ball of sunshine greets me this morning.
The world is waking up although parts of it never went to sleep last night (including me).
Doors banging—wind blowing—caught in a twister.

My life right now—raw—restless—looking for a place to land.
I know my home is here with me and yet the world keeps hammering away at my sanity and serenity even in the dark of night.

What will I find this weekend among these women who have come searching for freedom?
Will I find my own freedom?

A small Texas bird speaks to me from the tree.
“It is here. Freedom is here for the choosing. Choose life. Choose life.”

Even when the battle is tough and turbulent—when you are caught in a twister—Breathe.
Breathe in the air that smells slightly different.
Take in the vines of the field. They are but branches and the root lies deep beneath.

Trust. Trust God. Trust the process. Trust myself.



Part II

I feel so raw right now—bursting with emotion.
Tender and strong—anchored with a root that is deep and everlasting.

My vineyard is intertwined with sunflowers.
The red rock of my childhood surrounds me. It is the flat terrain of my youth.
Yet I know the road was neither flat nor smooth.

Bobwhite calling. Beautiful. Familiar.
“Come play with me. Come join the rising sun.”
The gnats are trying to irritate. It is my choice to stay calm or to despair.

I watch a small white butterfly—a miracle. Hear the bobwhite.
My stomach is starting to growl. Mosquitoes are buzzing.
This new day has begun.

I will join my friends. I will find solace in the midst of the twister.
The arms of God are all around me.
Brazos de Dios.



photos by bill hughlett

The Darkest Night

How can black become even blacker?
What is the color of darkness?
Who knows the color of water?
The color of tears?
The color of sorrow?
What is the taste of sorrow?
Bitter and salty. Full of tears.

Too bitter.
Too much.
Too black.

“The Tale of the Instant Coffee …

... or Confessions of a Seattleite”

Once upon a time there was a young woman who we will call Lucy. Lucy was a person who learned to drink coffee during those formidable college years when the balancing act was a challenge between happy hours and study time. Coffee became an essential tool for Lucy once she discovered it’s magical abilities to induce alertness after a few nights of minimal sleep.

Lucy’s love of coffee followed her into her career as a public accountant and she drank cup after cup of coffee throughout the day and evening without effect. Time went by and Lucy moved from career woman to stay-at-home motherhood—her love of coffee only waning during the first trimester of pregnancy when the smell of almost anything except orange soda pop was repugnant.

During this time a wonderful thing occurred. Lucy moved to the coffee capital of the world—Seattle. There she was soon introduced to a variety of coffee concoctions and ultimately landed upon her regular—the tall nonfat latte. Still, nothing could beat a fresh cup of coffee (or several) so Lucy’s coffee chugging days continued—until…

photo by bill hughlett

Aak! Bladder problems!! By this time Lucy had already made the move from regular coffee to decaf since she found that there might have been a slight addiction problem (e.g. screaming headaches when coffee was withheld). Decaf or no, Lucy continued to love her coffee and faithfully awoke to the aroma of a fresh-brewed pot each morning. Alas, the urologist said no more. Or at least no more than one cup a day if Lucy wanted to divert wearing Depends for a while longer.

Lucy discovered that it is next to impossible to brew one cup of really good coffee. Oh, she tried the coffee press. She tried drinking only one cup out of the pot, but each left her lacking. One thing Lucy found that she loved almost more than the taste was the actual warmth of the drink. So, while visiting her sister (not a Seattleite), Lucy stumbled upon her sister’s “fix” of (I dare say it)…instant coffee.

Once again, Lucy was hooked. She found that she could control the strength and, of course, the size of the “cup”, and soon the whistling teapot began to take the place of the dripping of the coffee maker. The aroma was always fresh and the steam was more satisfying than any lukewarm concoction. Now, you must realize that Lucy is only able to admit this shame to her closest friends and just to keep up appearances, she often orders in public her favorite “Seattle” drink—a decaf tall nonfat latte—extra hot, of course!

Thus, concludes the tale of the instant coffee aka the confession of a Seattleite. (Names have been changed to protect reputations.)

Hope that you never find yourself likened to a bad cup of coffee--cold and bitter!!

The Edge

Come to the edge, He said. Come to the edge.
She smiled, lifted off the ground and did a cannonball into the unknown.

The unknown exploded and burst into a million miracles—glistening in the sky for all the world to see.
They floated through the sky, touching corners of the universe that had never known such brightness.

Come to the edge, She said. Come fly with me through the crystal atmosphere.
It is glorious. It is dangerous. It is life.

Ocean of Desire

jelly photo from public domain

I see you. I am happy. I start swimming toward you, but the current is hard.
Danger. There are beautiful glistening orbs. Jellyfish flash in the sunlight. Danger. Danger.
But I want to be with you. To celebrate with you.
My desire is for you. Is it in vain? Will it be answered?

I keep swimming toward you. Deterred by the sting of the jellyfish—the man ‘o war.
I can’t get to you. The current is strong—causing me to tire. My arms give out, then my legs and finally my heart. It is too hard. The pain is excruciating.

I can see you. I am quite near, but I cannot touch you.
The tears come. Tears of frustration and tears of sorrow.
I do not want to shed tears to be with you. I want to spread my light.
I want you to see my brilliance, my overflowing joy.

Yet the ocean is filled with my tears and a cloud descends to hide my brilliance.
I cannot reach you. The cloud is in the way.
It is an old and far-reaching cloud. One that existed before my time and now creeps into our time.

Occasionally my brilliance—my light—peeks through the cloud and casts a beam of light across your face.
It is the face that I love.
But something about the light is too much and the cloud closes back in and shuts out the light.

The barrier is in tact. The jellyfish are invisible in the dark sea. Their sting is strong but not fatal.

Can the sting be fatal or will I continue to swim the current again and again—seeking your face in the darkness-
Wanting to dance. To celebrate. To leap across the waves with you.
That is my desire. To rise above the waves and the clouds. To be out of reach of the man ‘o war.

I am not your enemy. I am your love. Swim to meet me before my arms fail me and I sink to the ocean floor.
Dance with me. Celebrate with me. That is my desire.

Orchard

My branches are weary. They are heavy with fruit that has not ripened--
Like berries that grow to mammoth size yet have no taste.

My burden feels like it will never let go—never ripen. It is hard to see the sweetness of the fruit when the weight is so heavy.

Is the goodness I feel in these days, the pruning of the Lord? Is it the lightening of my load? The tension is heavy and hard. The weight bears down but just before the branch breaks under the weight, I am pruned and the heaviness lifts for a moment.

Is this ‘lifting’ the sweet fruit that is shared with others—my burden raised, as they taste the fruit of harvest?

What does it mean to bear fruit? I don’t want to have the largest crop. The cost is too high. Yet the harvest is great and lives are touched through my bounty. It is bounty born on the tides of pain and suffering.

The storms and winds have pounded the orchard and yet the trees and branches hold firm.
Today, the sun shines, pulling moisture from the ground to bring back balance after the relentless days of rain and darkness.

The Lord is my master gardener. He knows when I need to be tended and when I need to be left alone. He knows when the fruit is ripe and ready to eat. And he knows when it will be nourishing even though I try to eat or share it before it is sweet.
Sometimes I must taste the tartness.

My branches are strong. They will continue to grow and bear much fruit. Relish the rain and the sunshine for both are needed to nurture the orchard.

If I Bring Myself

If I bring myself to you will you rise to meet me or will you flee in fear?
Worse yet, will you advance with attack and retaliation—flinging harm into my face & heart,
using my truth & beauty as weapons against my soul?

“Stand firm,” my heart speaks out. The truth is real.
Stand firm & gently in your beauty.
It will terrify some. They will seek to harm—lashing out with tongues dipped in poison.
But, the poison will turn back to them to be ingested.

You are strong and pure—able to metabolize the poison. Your beauty is not too much.
The truth in your soul is yours and yours alone. Perfectly created & designed; snug inside its cocoon, metamorphosing daily, renewed in the Spirit.

A snake’s venom cannot reach the floating butterfly. Therefore,
Fly away for a time. Rest and feel the wind beneath your wings. Soar.
Remembering the return will be necessary—crucial.
A cocoon is needed for a season not a lifetime.

Spread your wings and share your beauty. It is not too much.

photo by bill hughlett

Diamonds on the Sea

Our lives are filled with beauty, joy & sorrow.
The sorrow enfolds heartache.
Still I cherish your faces in the heartache of my day.
The memory of your voices lifted in song carries me to the sky.
Your tears & laughter fill me with love.

The chains of sadness have been broken & no longer ensnare me.
Their hold is like pesky yarn that occasionally entangles me.
The fear of darkness has faded & the light is glorious.
I see the glow reflecting on the water & gleaming upon the sand.
The waves of life continue to ebb & flow as our lives sparkle on the surface like diamonds.

We are forever entwined, inseparable like drops of water filling the ocean.
Where does one life begin & another end?
They cannot be separated.
We know our tears could fill the ocean, but our joy can lift the sails of 100 parachutes!

Let us remember that we can fly & we need not—must not—drown in sorrow.
The sorrow is sweet because it reminds us from where we have come.
Let it remain sweet & not turn bitter.
Let us drink pure fresh water each day all the while knowing…
the bile may rise again in our throats & need to be expelled from our bodies.

We have come full circle…experienced the richness of life.
Let us live life to the fullest never being afraid to take risks or embrace sorrow.
Without the depths of sorrow, we can never experience the height of joy.
We cannot soar like eagles.
There is no momentum for lift off, if we remain inert on the ground.

Life is a trajectory—it must be—otherwise we slowly, sadly melt into the landscape & disappear.
Our Beauty goes unnoticed when we live in fear.
Therefore, embrace sorrow & joy.
Let the emotions have their way and...
Together, let us sparkle like diamonds on the sea.

photo by bill hughlett

Sister Walk

"When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to walk it for yourself, your girlfriends will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you and pulling for you. Intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you....or carry you for a while..." author unknown

I Can Fly!!!

It is early. The sun has not yet risen but I cannot sleep. I am too excited, because, yesterday I rode the sunset!! I FLEW and it was amazing. To even describe it in writing seems an injustice and I find myself grappling for the words.
Amazing. Incredible. Beautiful. A Dream come true.

I was in the clouds and God was with me. God and my wild angel, Jonny. Soaring, barreling through the sky and being held by the clouds all at the same moment. I never felt like I was falling or feared that I would hit the ground. I was being held up—protected—cared for. It felt out of control and so safe all mixed up together. Terror. Delight. Pure joy. I don’t think I could sustain a belly laugh at 10,000 feet but it was there. Awe. Gratitude. Worship.

The colors were brilliant and yet I can’t remember them even while I see them in my mind. Mt. Hood. St. Helen’s. Adams and Rainier. I was higher than them all. The valleys in their patchwork quilt glory. The feathering clouds reminding me of a Kino sunset. It was my time. My time to fly.

The plane was so tiny it seemed like a toy. The pilot looked about 12 but Jonny assured me he was at least 19 and an excellent pilot. Handsome Mickey was our cameraman. Dressed in his black and white bat suit, he would exit the tiny plane first.

Strapped tighter to Jonny than is probably legal in some states, I knew that he wasn’t going anywhere without me and his foot was stepping onto the tiniest “platform” I had ever seen. Before I knew it, my foot was next to his. The most difficult moment came when my second foot needed to exit and I was to turn my body forward. My body stalled for a second and once again I realized Jonny was going out the door and we were connected. The word “surrender” came to mind (passed onto me by a wise, previous jumper named Jennifer) and then we were free of the plane—“bending like bananas.”

Bombing through the air. It was undoubtedly the most exhilarating sensation I have ever experienced. I can’t even remember having my eyes open. They must have been, however, because there was Mickey filming my free fall. We jumped at 10,000 feet and freefell to 5000—approximately 40 intense seconds.

The cool air. The wind rushing—roaring. I keep coming back to the fact I felt ‘held’. Some people experience it as a buoyancy—for me it was a sense of safety and security in the midst of this incredible speed.

Before I went, my counselor, Kay, described skydiving as a metaphor for my life—“one big freefall.” It feels like an even more appropriate metaphor now, because that is what is happening. I am being held and have a sense of safety and security in the midst of this warp speed, crazy, beautiful life that is mine. Thank you, Lord.

And—I’ve only described the exit and freefall. Wow! Then the canopy opened and we were floating. Calm. Still. Beautiful silence.

“Take off your goggles,” Jonny said “and just chill. Relax.” Then, “you want to spin?” and we were turning around to see the countryside and evidently doing flips too. Yikes! Yea! What fun!!!!

All I could say was “oh” over and over again. It was kind of like sex in a crazy sort of way. Awe and worship. Beauty and feeling beyond description. Gratitude. Gratitude for being alive—for God’s creation—for being brave enough to live a dream and being brave enough to simply live my life to the fullest.

I am grateful for my brother, Dave who heard my dream and helped make it happen. I am grateful for my wonderful husband, Bill who recorded the event and supported me along the way. I am also grateful for my beautiful daughter, Janey and her friend Hannah who thought I was a little crazy at the beginning of the day but by the end wanted to be 18 so they could go for a ride too.

I also carried with me all of my wonderful friends who continue to soar through this life with me. I love you all. I am so blessed and for the moment I am out of words. But never fear…

Upon further reflection, I realized I forgot to mention the landing. It reminds me of being in flight and not wanting that to end either. “It’s too short,” I said to Jonny as we were nearing the landing field.

“Knees bent. Toes up. Here we go,” Jonny said. “We’re going to land standing up.” The next thing I knew, we hit the ground and my guardian angel tumbled over my back. We had not in fact landed standing nor had we scooted in on our butts—the norm for tandem landing.



“Are you all right?” What an understatement! I was fabulous!!! I had just completed the ride of my life. Beautiful. Amazing. Terrifying. Wonderful. And the metaphor continues….

Peace;

photos by bill hughlett

a letter to my sisters--

My heart is so full this morning--joy, sorrow, peace & heartache--Friends--I have many and for many my heart grieves and for others it rejoices. Nancy, my dear friend--thankful for me and I for her. Mary--I want to embrace you and hug you and be with you. Laura--where are you? Christine--I rejoice with you. Joyce--do not feel guilty for Josh's success. Dehnke--oh how I love that girl and Corky has risen to the occasion--more bravery than she ever lets on--beautiful and solid, filled with grace. Sandi--I love you. Remember the joy of washing the fire truck and wearing silly yellow shoes. Life is good. I love you and miss you.

My heart is filled with joy. Joy that I am not in charge. The Lord has filled the empty place in my soul. My friends, my sisters are daily reminders. Dwell not on the days of sorrow but on those that brought peace and brightness. I am Me and Me is a shining star!!

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Thy rod and thy staff will comfort me and they will comfort Jonathon. Accept--don't expect. It is his path and I, the Lord, will comfort him. His heart is closed now but there will come a day when it will reveal beautiful glory--more spectacular than any could imagine. I am with him. I am walking the path. He carries his truth and his light with him even though it is under a bushel right now.

The beautiful boy is there. Rob--beautiful boy, caring for his horse--loving, caring, beautiful and beaming. Josh is shining, too. The others are a little rusty. The rain has fallen on their armor....I need to read the book again. I love you all.

May peace be with each of you today.
Still--
lovely, kind and FREE

My Hero

How could one so young as you earn the title of hero to one as old as I? You have been wise and content from the moment you were born. Did I have a part in this creation? Have I done a good job? Maybe, but mostly you have become and continue to become the young woman God created you to be. There is such beauty both inside and out—you are lovely, you are kind and you are carefree.

Your youth has given you a position of holding onto yourself. The messages haven’t gotten so mixed up yet. I pray that they won’t for you. The ‘holding onto yourself’ is a confidence that has served you well and will be so critical in the years to come—possible turbulent ones.

Your sense of humor draws others to you, helps you laugh at yourself and also hides some of the shyness that is inside. Hang onto the fun-loving side. It will keep you young and help you grow and mature all at the same time.

Your strength in your body and athletic ability is amazing to behold. It is a strength you naturally possess and one that has never come easy for me. I admire it and am also in awe of it.

To be shy is to hold a bit of mystery both from the world and from yourself. The shyness you have has not debilitated you as it did me throughout my childhood. I pray that your shyness is not associated with shame or harm in any way.

You are talented in so many ways. You are smart, creative, and brilliant. I never cease to be amazed at your ability to fully use both sides of your brain so well. You have a loving and kind heart that shines through the darkness. There is a bravery and tenderness that is so beautiful. You have seen difficult situations, had unkindness placed upon you unfairly and yet you continue to love.

You are loving and lovely. You do not hold grudges although you speak when you have been hurt and do not stuff things down inside. You speak of the harm even when it is difficult and in that speaking you are able to let go.

Passion. There is a passion for life that seems unquenchable. It is not anxious or frantic but truly passionate—doing your best whether you are playing soccer, writing a report, analyzing a poem or having a jammy day. You do it all with a certain passion and zest. Hold onto that. It is the stuff of life. It is who you were created to be.

Our relationship has been a close one. I pray that I have given you what you need. I am sorry for the times I have been cold or critical—when I have harmed you to protect myself. I have shielded my own fear. I believe we have grown together. You have given me something to aspire to—in the words of Jack Nicholson, “you make me want to be a better person.”

I am afraid of losing you and I don’t want that fear to get in the way of our relationship. I do not expect you to fill me up or to live my dreams or my life through you. I believe we compliment each other and move each other forward rather than holding each other back. I hope that we will continue to do that.

I don’t want to place you on a pedestal and set such high expectations that cannot be met or that put too much pressure on you. You are an incredible role model and I cherish each moment we spend together.

You are not perfect and neither am I. We should not expect perfection from each other. Forgiveness and trust are wonderful things to nurture. Expecting things to always be perfect or that they will be the same is not the way to go. Let us embrace change and growth. Seeing where we have come from will set a beautiful path for where we are going. (The groundwork has already been laid.)

Remember the beauty. Love each other. Know and be known. Share. Be honest. Trust in God. You are my hero and I love you.

Meeting Kino

My first visit to Kino was about a year ago and came under pretty crazy circumstances. Our teenage son was just finishing up a wilderness program for drug and alcohol abuse. (It had been a long, hard road for all of us.) We had been looking at therapeutic boarding schools and his counselor recommended a center in Mexico. “Mexico? No way!!!” was our immediate response. We had visions of Mexican jails, drug lords, vast deserts and never seeing our son again. The therapist said, “It’s worth a phone call.” So, I made the call and found that it sounded like a pretty great program. Bill and I talked things over and decided that he couldn’t take any more time off from work right then but that we couldn’t send Jonathon to the one school we hadn’t checked out personally…especially if the school was in Mexico.

So, the next thing I knew I was on a plane to Hermosillo by myself. I had to rent a car-- quite an interesting process in and of itself since I don’t really speak or read very much Spanish. I had been warned to not travel on the road after dark because it wasn’t safe. (Too many cars with no head or taillights.) My plane had arrived a little late and I was pushing sunset but felt like I needed to get there as soon as possible since I only had about 1 ½ days to visit. So, there I was cruising down this two-lane road with the sun setting rapidly. I was in a little yellow rental car with a cracked windshield, listening to Spanish pop music and wondering what the hell I was doing!!! It was about that time that I witnessed my first “Kino magic.”

I came around a bend in the road and there was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. It was an incredible saguaro cactus field in silhouette. At that moment, the sky lit up in awesome shades of pink, yellow, gold and blue. The clouds appeared to be reaching upward and I can only describe them now as The Fingers of God. It was one of the most breathtaking views I have ever witnessed and at that moment I felt an incredible peace come over me and I knew that God was with me and that I was safe and traveling down the right road.

The Power of Nature.

There’s something strong yet comforting about nature in Kino. The sky, the desert, the water, the mountains. You can just see and feel God’s presence all around you. I love to walk on the beach and look at the different shells. I used to only pick up the perfect ones but now I’m partial to the slightly broken ones. They remind me of my life. They have character instead of perfection. (Smile.) The birds are fascinating, too. There are some that I call “suicide birds.” They fly along and then all of a sudden go into a kamikaze dive and the next thing you know they pop back up and off they go. I could watch them for hours. They remind me of Jonathon and the wild almost suicidal choices that he has made, but when I see the birds pop back up and fly away so strongly I have hope that he will one day do the same thing.

Also, the colors seem more intense in Kino. The sky is bluer, the sand is whiter, the sunsets are incredible. There is something so calming and beautiful about all that power and creation. The desert is barren yet still alive and the contrast with the sea is beyond description. I read a quote once that said, “Where there’s desolation and heartbreak, there’s beauty and magic.” That’s how I feel about being in Kino. All of those things…desolation, heartbreak, beauty and magic.

God’s Hand

When we first had to send away our son, I was devastated. I had totally lost faith in God and had a hard time seeing hope in the present much less for the future. I was so angry! I ranted and raved and cried out to God that He couldn’t possibly understand what I was going through!! That’s when I heard a still small voice that said, “Of course I understand, I sent my Son to die for you.” Ouch! That really hit home. I had committed myself to Jesus many times over the years, but this was different. A peace and release came over me as I turned my son back over to God. I realize that may sound a little hokey or melodramatic, but from that moment on my hope for the future began to build and I sensed that no matter what happened, I was going to be alright. All I needed to do was to love my son unconditionally and God would take care of the rest.

Since that time, I have been filled with such peace and calm like I have never known in my life. The last part of the magic is what continues to draw me back to Kino. Now, I realize I’m going out on a limb here and you may think I’m nuts, but what the heck…, I met the Holy Spirit in Kino. I was surrounded by mainly non-believers in the middle of a 12-step meeting and God spoke to me. And afterwards (much to my distress) I shared His words with these non-believers. Somehow, God had prepared their ears and they didn’t run me out of the room. On the contrary, many were blessed by the experience. Believe, me this was definitely out of my comfort zone! However, since that time, the blessings have abounded as my relationship with Christ has grown. My confidence has increased and I’m not so anxious about the future. As a matter of fact, that’s the only reason I’ve been able to share this story with you.

photos by bill hughlett

Beautiful Boy

Jonathon…beautiful boy, laughing boy, maddening boy, independent boy. Child I have no control over. Child who taught me I am powerless over my life without God—my Higher Power.

Child that drove me to my knees, that sent me onto my face, prone, like Moses crying out to God.

Child that I am so thankful for for giving me the miracle of relationship with God.

Our mother-son relationship has at times been a turbulent one. To be able to rejoice and have calm in the midst of the storm only comes from God.

Jonathon’s strength and stubbornness showed me where I was weak in my spiritual relationship with God. Showed me where I was trying to fix things myself without God. Showed me my pride and arrogance as I thought I could raise this child (or do anything else) on my own.

I also learned where I am strong, interdependent with God and compassionate. Our relationship showed me that I have a heart for helping others, the courage to admit defeat in my own weakness and the desire to serve God at the risk of my own comfort—whatever that may look like.

Our relationship is a powerful and heartbreaking one. It is also filled with great Hope. It is not a path I would have chosen on my own. However, ours is a wonderful connection that I would not trade for anything in this world.

photos by bill hughlett