There is lots of wrestling going on in my brain and body these days – imagine that?!? Yesterday was a self- proclaimed, self-care day. I visited my chiropractor, my spiritual director and my hairdresser. I snuck in a quick nap with Aslan purring on my chest, then headed to a client meeting and after to the local, highly acclaimed, hard-to-get-into pizza place, Delancey, for dinner with my husband and daughter. When a friend called in the afternoon to ask how I was, I proclaimed, “Today was a good day.”I struggle with not wanting too quickly to put the cherry on top of this crazy ice cream sundae called life. I have really wanted to be pissed off at God for the last couple of days, but God’s pursuit of me is making it really difficult. My spiritual director and I talked about this quite a bit yesterday. She suggested that perhaps my long-ingrained anthropomorphic view of God is finally starting to disappear. I want to be angry at some controlling guy in the sky who pulls the strings and makes things happen for better or worse. Instead I am being greeted by scripture that sings of the earth holding me and I hear and feel the love of Jesus in the comforting words of supportive bloggers, beautiful voices uplifted in song, a purring cat, the glorious sunshine and “random” other places.
My spiritual companion and I also talked about songs of lament and how the Psalms are filled with them. They have their own rhythm of wailing and crying out to God while ultimately coming to a place of hope or rest. It is a pattern I have experienced myself in writing or verbally processing. By exhausting the dialogue in my head (the rants & raves & miscellaneous thoughts I might not dare to share out loud), I usually find I come to a place of peace – not necessarily resolution. There is a difference!
Most of my last post came through stream of consciousness journaling. Not wanting to rush to a place of calm waters, (because I needed to feel and share the tumultuous rhythm) I drew short of sharing where my lament finally landed. After a couple of days to let it settle, I wanted to share it now:…and then the ocean returned to its smooth placid existence in the cove along the deserted beach. The gentle ripples returning & spreading out to sea. The same water now touching another on a far away shore. Interconnected.
Who can assess the ripple effect of one tear poured into an ocean? One drip pounding subtlely time and time again until rock has been eroded. Perhaps my love, my tears, are the drip that will erode the heart of stone. My own? Another’s? Who knows?
It’s ok to sit in the mystery. My world has been rocked. I sit in Advent and wait. I know not for what. Redemption? Reconciliaton?
Thank you for waiting alongside me. Your ripples wash over me like fresh rain drops. I am soothed and comforted knowing I am held in this gentle embrace.
What are you waiting for this Advent season? Are you willing to wrestle with the echoes of your own mind? Are you content to rest without knowing what will come next? Are you aware of the gentle ripples touching your days? Advent is a season about being awake. Might you find a new way to open your eyes?
photos ©lucy - glendolough 10.09
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12 comments:
Wow. You are a beautiful writer. The clarity and poetry of your words reach into me.
Your experiencing the peace of God in your cat and sunshine, etc. makes me think of Job. Or rather what God says to Job. I've always thought the whole point of that is that the "answer" to suffering is to rest in mystery and the beauty of Creation.
The other thing that struck me in this post is the wonderfulness of how our views of God subtly shift over time. I've always thought that the second commandment is really about not boxing God in. It's ok - and even good - to make images, but not to let them become "graven," but rather let them be fluid.
Waiting for the calming influence of rest. . . Wishing you peace.
that's some powerful journalling prose!
what am i waiting for this advent? i'm waiting for a rest from wrestling with mind echoes :)
It is indeed good to sit in mystery. I am glad you pray with the psalms. They allow us to express what we sometimes don't dare. You are lucky to live near the ocean so you can let the coming in and going out of the waves give you some peace beyond words.
What am I waiting for this Advent season? I am waiting for Time to open up for me. Time to stretch and work on projects around home without having to worry about appointments and responsibilities.
Dearest Kayce, What am I waiting for?...I am waiting for the layers of illusion that I've cloaked myself in, to fall away, one by one. When I think there's none left to shed, even more releases.
The most recent layer?...that I'm not responsible for anyone's pain, nor am I responsible for bringing peace to another. I can only sit with my own truth and find my own peace.
Blessings to you and your furry healing angel.
First, I will just say I'm sometimes a bit slow on the uptake, because it's only just now that I remember the Daughter of Eve who has such a thrilling connection to Aslan in the Narnia tales is also called Lucy.
I also agree that the sheer violence - as well as sorrow - of some of the Psalms can be helpful in expressing "the rants & raves".
I love what you say about the same waters washing all of us. And we breathe the same air.
What am I waiting for this Advent? What I always wait for - some meaning to it, some point.
As I head off in a little while to a Quiet Day at St. Paul's, I am eager or maybe assured that the day will be for me filled with questions, prayers, and awakenings. I must only listen and let the awakening happen. My family, my friends, my enemies, my God will accompany me. Pray for my listening and hearing. I pray now that even hearing the silence may enhance my hearing/listening/awakening:)
xoxo
Lucy,
I like your doing a Part II on this with days "to let it settle," and the photo with what look like gold coins, but I assume are suns or moon reflections? I am strengthened with you.
Interesting questions: Are you willing to wrestle with the echoes of your own mind? Are you content to rest without knowing what will come next? On the first question, it is built into the soul I think, Jacob and the Angel, and there are excellent mentors who play both roles for you. You do that yourself at Diamonds. The second question definitely is true in photography, I just go out there and walk and things happen.
'I usually find I come to a place of peace – not necessarily resolution." Well writen - important words to remember when waiting in darkness. Adding my prayers along side the many others.
dear friends - thank you for wrestling and waiting here alongside me. it is a beautiful journey we are on... even when it sometimes feels dark or foggy, it's nice to know there's someone in it with me/us! peace to you and yours. xoxo
Lucy,
Thanks for the update. As others have said, your writing and journaling are magnificent in depth and clarity. I can SO relate to your dissolving apparition of an anthropomorphic God. I am stunned to think of how much i have created God in my own image. I love that we share this path of illumination together. Especially in this Advent season.
hi brett - your words came at the perfect time. i found/find myself really struggling with my morning advent reading today. i ultimately realized the reading speaks of a very anthropomorphic god. very out there, judgmental, ultimately forgiving, very HUMAN. my favorite line today is "contrast has always been one of god's most persuasive teaching tools", but even in that i get a sense of this controlling PERSON. oh... i think there may be a post here.
i, too, am glad "we hare this path of illumination together".
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