friday top ten--musings from paris #2

coming up the stairs from the metro to see sunshine, the seine & notre dame. breathtaking!

the sheer holiness of notre dame. i carried a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes as i wandered slowly, listened to the haunting music and offered up prayers for friends and family.

ile st. louis...all of it! the scarf shop. the sandwich. lunch by the seine.

watching the eiffel tower "dance" in the clear night sky. (once it is fully lit, there is a light show every few moments. spectacular! i had to pinch myself to know i was really there. (actually i have been doing that ever since i got here. i will be black & blue for sure!)


the magical spinning of the carousels. i know there is a horse with my name on it waiting to meet me ☺.

being mistake twice in one evening as a French person ☺.

English conversation on the train with the two college girls from america.


sweet white wine and fromage quiche in the afternoon.

listening to the soundtrack of 'once' while viewing pictures of the day.

my cozy little apartment and the wonderful comfy bed next to the red cyclamen i purchased at my neighborhood flower market!

serene & wild--musings from paris #1

Well, the blogging gods are having their way with me this morning...I just wrote a wonderful post about my arrival yesterday and then it disappeared. Arrgggghhhh.. Rather than rewrite (for there is much to do), it will have to suffice that it was a charmed day of traveling including an early flight into Paris (an hour!!!), smooth transportation and checking into my apartment when I arrived rather than having to wait until late afternoon. Blessings abound!

I am certain I will share more about my apartment later, (It is tres charment!!) See a bit of my neighborhood here. I met the wonderful woman and child while wandering near the Eiffel tower in the Champs du Mars. I don't know anything about them, but I thought she was so beautiful and intriguing. Serene & wild all at the same time. (Sounds like me right now!) Several times during the day I wondered "What the heck are you doing?!?!?!" I resisted the urge to dive into the neighborhood Starbuck's (there is one right around the corner) when nothing seemed familiar. I forced myself to enter a restaurant for lunch...well a sidewalk cafe...and I just kept walking and pulling out my map when I needed to.

It is 6:00 a.m. here right now and I think I got about 8 hours of sleep, so I am ready to go. If I hurry up, I will be able to see the sun rise. Not sure yet if it rises over the Seine (which is about 3 blocks from my home) or not. I am so glad you are here with me. A naysayer to my "solo" trip told me that Paris "must be shared". So, it is your role this week to share with me!!! For the moment I have given myself permission to not respond to comments, but I hope you will continue to chime in! I am reading and enjoying every moment with you!!!!

Au revoir maintenant! (I think that means good bye for now).

on my way...

check out lucy creates!!! for today's paris post!

merci et bon voyage!!!

what goes with me...

The excitement is building as the hours fly swiftly by. I still need to get some Euros, fine tune my packing, go to work for a few hours and BREATHE! While looking for a quote to kick off my Paris trip, I found this lovely gem by Picasso.

“Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again. And what do we teach our children? We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France. When will we also teach them what they are? We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move. You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel? You must work, we must all work, to make the world worthy of its children."

I realize the quote has very little to do with Paris specifically, but it has everything to do with the world as a whole. (And even though Paris calls my name today, I know it is in the world that I choose to live.)

Yesterday, a new reader (well actually a reader who self-admittedly had been "lurking" around my site for a while) offered me this wonderful aspirational quote:

"Everyone I meet is in love with me. I just don't expect them to realize it yet."

Both quotes ring loud and clear to me today as I embark on this journey that fills me with excitement and a healthy dose of fear. I feel I am stepping into the great unknown and yet I know that I am ready to do this. I will take BOTH of these affirmations with me as I leave Seattle early tomorrow morning and fly east toward Paris. I will take them with me today as I enter into the world around me.

How about you? Do you realize what a marvel you are? Can you believe that everyone is in love with you?...they are just waiting to discover it. Au revoir!

painting by Pablo Picasso

two days to paris!!!!!

I think that travel comes from some deep urge to see the world, like the urge that brings up a worm in an Irish bog to see the moon when it is full. ~Lord Dunsany

lunar eclipse © h3images

Love Unrequited

Last night I dreamed that I was traveling. No surprise there, huh? I was trying to get back home and somehow I ended up on top of a semi-truck. I lowered myself from the top down into the cab where I encountered an amazingly kind driver. He promptly fell in love with me and while I was attracted to him, I kept my boundaries. We politely exchanged phone numbers and then he disappeared. In the dream, my heart continued to long for him. It was his kindness, I think, and the fact that he thought I was really special.

Upon awaking, I thought of this dream and a recent reader request came to mind where I was asked to consider the topic of “unrequited love.” I wondered if this longing was what my reader spoke of. The fairy tales of life. Beauty and the Beast. The story of Ragnelle. Cinderella…this list goes on. The longing for moments when we are truly known and seen through the eyes of another. Often there are no words spoken, it is just a heart “knowing.”

Can love ever be “requited”? What does that even mean? The dictionary defines requite as “making appropriate return for.” Clarity of love, denouement if you will, seems so fleeting. We can all point to times in a movie or story where the hero and heroine look into each others eyes and we see that they are in love, but it usually lasts so briefly. Such is the case with real life, too. I wonder...can we learn to carry those glimpses love with us inside to meet ourselves at our deepest need? Do we need another person in our life to feel that we are being met? While I believe that we are made for relationship, I see also that we often forget there are three principal kinds of relationship: 1) with others, 2) with God and 3) with self.

Relying solely on others only brings heartbreak, because being human brings failure along with it. God can satisfy if we allow ourselves to be open, but some would say even God was lonely and therefore created man. And then man was lonely, so woman was created. Then woman was lonely…A never ending cycle? Is it our curse to always be lonely? That is the paradox for in some regard, I am always alone AND if I believe in God, I am never alone.

Still, my dream showed me the longing. Even as I have strong self-esteem, a great connection with God, friends who love and support me as well as a husband who adores me, there is still the longing. Will love therefore always be “unrequited”? Or can we (must we, perhaps) choose to acknowledge those little moments of love with self, God, others and trust them to be enough? (Realizing that we may always long for more.)

Those moments of trust are strung together like pearls to form a necklace of love around our hearts. Individually they are precious, while hard to see at times. If we allow ourselves to string together the moments, we can see that we have been known. That we are known. Maybe your love is a single pearl ring. Or possibly still even in the oyster. A pearl starts with an irritant (usually a grain of sand) inside the oyster and just like a caterpillar must bump up against the cocoon to form strong wings, so the pearl mills around the irritant while it is being formed. In both cases (the pearl and the butterfly), it is from the struggle that beauty is born. It is my experience that nature does not lie. Is it in the struggle that love is requited?

Maybe I’m still dreaming or living in a fairy tale or out of my mind. Who knows? I would love to know your thoughts on longing and love—be it requited or not ☺ .

photo © geezer dude

paris manifesto

One week from today I will be on my flight to Paris! Wow!! Here are today's thoughts and (soft) rules of engagement...

I give myself permission to:

• look like a fool in Paris
• take as many silly pictures as I desire
• sit in one spot all day
• write & write & write
• OR not write at all

I give myself permission to:

• wear clunky shoes if my feet hurt
• sip champagne in the afternoon
• climb the Eiffel tower at night
• fall in love with everything OR nothing (ha!)
• spend 5 minutes or 5 hours or 5 days in the Louvre

I give myself permission to:

• walk into fancy stores knowing that I will not appear chic
• pet haughty French poodles when they look my way
• ride a bike through the streets of Paris
• walk when I want to walk
• take a taxi at least one time
• ride on the boats along the Seine

I give myself permission:

• to eat ice cream every day
• to have croissants for breakfast, lunch & dinner
• to drink red wine & smoke a cigarette at an outdoor café
• to sit and write wherever whenever
• to watch people unabashedly
• to stare into the eyes of a French woman & not blink first

I give myself permission to:

• smile & laugh or even dance when the mood strikes
• touch the gold ring at Notre Dame
• stand in the light of Saint Chappelle
• take a train to Versailles or Chartres
• OR never leave my neighborhood

I give myself permission to:

• live each day as it comes with no regrets.
• if I am tired I will sit.
• if I am really tired, I will sleep.
• I will stay up all night if the mood strikes.
• I will follow my heart’s desire.

I give myself permission to:

• post page after page of blog entries OR
• not touch my computer until I return home.

I give myself permssion to:

• be selfish
• only read MY blog and save others until I get home
• allow time to stand still
• live in the moment
• notice the diamonds around me

I even give myself permission to:

• be disappointed if it rains
• or the Mona Lisa is too small
• or my apartment too dark.

I give myself this gift of eight days in Paris!! Yipppeeeee!!!!!

Merci beaucoup!!

stop. breathe. listen.

what has happened?
where did my spaciousness go?
waxing. waning.
full moon gone behind a cloud of busyness.
stop, my child. breathe.*

Early last week felt so spacious, so inviting, so wonderful. I was moving my body and feeling whole and inspired. This week I feel rushed and crushed. It is eight days until Paris and it feels like it is coming too fast. I will have only eight days there. I want these days to slow down. I want to linger here as I desire to do there.

I spent the past weekend (Friday through Sunday) collaboratively creating a couples workshop for Soltura called “The Paradoxical Dance.” The project is energizing and exhausting all at the same time. We will join together again this weekend to fine tune what we have created so far. Thursday I have collage class and then I will ride the ferry across the Sound to visit friends. I will see students on Monday and Tuesday of next week and then very early Friday morning I will leave for Paris.

It feels too fast. I need to catch my breath. I wanted to go to yoga this morning, but sleep seemed more important. I have a to do list a mile long, but writing and processing a bit feels more essential. My visual journal is calling me as well as magazine clippings that say “create me into something.”

Create me into something. Is that my prayer today? I do not want these days to pass so quickly--only filled with busyness. My longing is to be intentional. To stop and listen to God. To see where my path is leading. To follow the rhythms of my soul. It is my own paradox. When I take time for myself, I seem to have abundant time in other places. When I give to others, I receive blessings in return that I cannot count.

Ahh...I cannot put words to it just yet, but it is my Lenten practice. The spaciousness is returning as I slow down, breathe and listen. Amen.

Where do you need to slow down? Breathe? Listen? What are the paradoxes in your life?

* see posts here and here. they helped me start to put into words how i was feeling this morning.

award away!!!

It was really a banner day today as I caught up on visiting some of my favorite sites. At thru my lens lightly, I found that I was the recipient of an award. I decided to choose "I Love you this much!" Thank you, Kate I!!



At Sacred Ruminations, Storyteller bestowed the honor of "E is for Excellent" (and I realized then that Sunrise Sister at Mind Sieve had also mentioned me for this one a few days ago. So sorry for the lapse in acknowledgement...maybe I am not so excellent after all. Oops!!)

And one final mention for the day was found at Small Reflections where my favorite choice was "You make my heart flutter..."

As many of you know if you are regular readers, I often make up my own rules. In this case, I am choosing to give the award of your choice to YOU!!! If you stop by here and read (and especially if you comment), please know that I love your most excellent self and you make my heart flutter when you visit! I hope you will select the award of your choice and post it at your own site with my blessings!!!

I am so grateful for this funny little community!! Special thanks to the award givers!!! Write on!!!

growing pains...mine or hers?

How do you protect someone who is spreading her wings? When is it time for the mother bird to push her baby from the nest? What happens when the baby jumps before the mother is ready? Are they lost to each other forever? Does the mother try to push the baby back into the nest or does she come alongside her young and help them learn to fly?

The natural world is brutal. So is the human world. Can I live with myself if I do not protect her? Can I even protect her? Nothing is in my control especially this bright, spirited young woman. “You have raised an amazing daughter,” she said to me. “You gave birth to a great person.” She is so right, so when will I trust her? When does she stand up and walk on her own two feet? She was so cautious as a baby; waiting until she was sure she could walk. Watching to see that no one knocked her over. Is she still so cautious? She has learned to walk and now she says she is ready to fly. Will I smother her inside the nest to keep her safe? Or will I let her leap, knowing that she may fall? Lord, help me.

snapshots of spaciousness (sans camera)

"If you don’t plow the earth, it’s going to get so hard nothing grows in it. You just plow the earth of yourself. You just get moving. And even don’t ask exactly what’s going to happen. You allow yourself to move around, and then you will see the benefit." --Ms. Fatemeh Keshavarz

This season of Lent has called me deeper into the need of spaciousness and movement for myself. The theme of holy vessel continues to stir inside me and around me. I am always amazed at how God manifests when I allow myself to be still enough and listen closely. The last two days have been glorious mid-winter days filled with blue skies and crisp air. It has been a much needed respite from the long overcast Seattle days. Yesterday I literally felt hypnotically pulled to get outside and walk toward the Olympic mountains that are offered in full view about a mile from my home. I took my i phone and was able to catch a few shots of spring breaking and snow-capped brilliance in my time out. My walk was narrated by a podcast discussing the poet Rumi, so spiritual images accompanied the visual ones around me.

Today was a very different experience. Again, I strongly felt the desire to be outside and moving my body; this vessel I have been called to pay especial attention to this season. This time, however, I sensed that no outside apparatus should accompany me. No phone. No camera. No i-pod. Just me and my good strong walking shoes. While walking, however, I had an image of Kirsten Dunst in the movie, Elizabethtown, in the scene where she fashions her fingers to take a mental snapshot. It felt really important today to “record” snapshots in my mind even though I was certain they would be forgotten by the time I returned home. That, however, was not the case. Here are a few of the images that met me along my morning sojourn:

A tiny sign upon a fence that said, “Please do not feed Riley. Doctor’s orders.” The sun gleaming on the steeple of a church I had never before noticed. White fruit of the looms flattened in the street. Lavender bikini undies at another spot along the way. (Had someone lost their wash or had the world stripped off its clothes to dance naked in the moonlight?) A “no trespassing” sign attached to a church door. Blue sky. Glistening sun. Tiny chickadees playing in bare tree branches. Red, freshly painted doors. Children playing at the park. People happy to be out in the sunshine. God’s presence everywhere.

This morning I was reminded that it is good to listen. It is good to look at the world around me. It is good to be present. It is good to be a vessel. Where are you being called to empty yourself this season? Where are you being called to be filled? How would you describe your vessel?

night time musings

3:30 a.m. I probably shouldn’t read travel journals before bed. The excitement (and an aching shoulder) keep me awake. The journey. Paris. The details. How will I get to my apartment? My apartment!! I will live in Paris for just over a week. Rue Cler market near my new home. The little details swirl through my head. Can you drink the water? How will I avoid pickpockets? Bus or taxi? Will the drivers speak English?

I see myself rolling my suitcase through the cobblestone streets. Lost or exploring? If I take the Air France bus, my stop will be the Arc de Triomphe. How perfect! It must be done. The grand adventure, awaited a lifetime, coming so quickly. Too soon? No. It is time.

The “before” details. Hair appointment. Pedicure. The right bag. A new journal. Shall I take my favorite pen? Absolutement! I need another camera card. A money pouch. Xerox my documents. Print out instructions. Contact Tess.

What will I plan and what will I simply allow to happen? The surprise. Oh my goodness!! The surprise and adventure of it all. My French is inadequate, but it will be fine. Little movies run through my head. I am encouraged by Alice Steinbach—another woman traveling alone. Shall I take my scissors & glue? Absolutement! French magazines and maps will become my journal. A visual of the time.

What will I do that first day? Walk. Stroll. Wash my face from the all night journey. See the neighborhood. The Arc de Triomphe. The Eiffel Tower. Mona Lisa. (Yes, I have heard she will disappoint and still I need to see her for myself, but not the first day.) Ice cream on the Ile de la Cite. Where will me by favorite café? My favorite patisserie? Will I brave going to dinner alone? Will I make friends? Shall I take tours or do it solo?

That is the fun. I do not have to decide. It is my trip. My journey. Without reservations…or at least with only the necessary ones…the plane and the lodging confirmed. I have two weeks now to prepare. Whew!! I need to get to sleep!

Planning Paris

The plane tickets are purchased, the studio apartment (with free internet, of course) has been rented and for the first time in my life I acquired travel insurance. This is my personal little way of insuring that nothing will happen to keep me from going to Paris ☺. Reverse psychology or something like that, you see?

Thus far everyone I have encountered is delighted and saying “Go! Go! Go!” –with the exception of my 15-year-old daughter who thinks it is she who should be going; and a few friends who think I am nuts to go by myself. (But to be perfectly honest, I think they may just be a little jealous ☺.)

Since this adventure in many ways started with a blog post and I have received nothing less than enthusiastic support from my commenters, it seems only fair that I should keep you up to speed and include you in the plan makings! So, here we go:

Leave Seattle Wednesday, February 27. Arrive Paris Thursday, February 28.
My neighborhood is “in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower”. Don’t you just love that?
I will be returning home on Friday March 7. So, that is eight days and nights in the City of Light. ☺

Now, here is where you come in. A few helpful commenters have already given me “must do’s” for the trip. Your task is to add your own dreams to my list. If you’ve been to Paris before—great! If not, no worries just tell me what you would want to do if you went to Paris. Or perhaps even your favorite movie or book about Paris. Or what you would wear as an American in Paris (or what you wouldn’t wear.) You get the gist of this. You can continue to help me dream, sight see and pack. In return, I promise to take you along on the journey (virtually, of course ☺.)

Here to start the list are a few of my favorite suggestions thus far:

1) Sit in the garden with Rodin’s “The Thinker” on an overcast day. (Theresa)
2) The Musee d’Orsay comes highly recommended by many.
3) See the accessible gargoyles on Notre-Dame and the medieval treasures of the Musee Cluny. (Barbara)
4) Please make sure to touch the small brass ring in the ground in front of Notre Dame to ensure your return to Paris one day. (Pamela)

So, please make your own suggestions and I will add them to the list as we count down to Paris.
(18 days!)

Vessels

Vessels. Mother as vessel. Woman as vessel. Broken. Cracked. Whole. Sacred vessel. Holy vessel. Pregnant with hope and life.

A vessel for the season of Lent. If the vessel is closed, I cannot be fed. If it is poured to overfilling, it may crack. Today my vessel feels empty. No, it has been emptied for Lent with wonder and expectation, but the filling of Ash Wednesday was painful and venomous. I would rather be empty than filled with this poison. I do not enjoy this process of filling and emptying. Especially when my choice feels limited. When a fire hydrant opens and pours into your tiny jar, how can it not be tossed around, cracked or broken?

The choice becomes how to be in the brokenness. How to become a vessel that is open to let in the feelings that need to be felt, but to narrow the opening and not let poison fill me to the top. How do I learn to receive the pain that is mine to receive and not carry the guilt for that which I have no control over?

This season of lent feels so much about tending to my vessel. Being gentle with the cracks while not ignoring them. Mending the breaks that I can. Seeing myself as whole. A sacred vessel. Pregnant with hope and life…some days a little more than others ☺.

How are you called to tend the cracks of life? Have you ever considered yourself as vessel? What will help you stay open to God rather than closing off and obstructing your own pathway?

collage by lucy

Imbolc

Imbolc. For three mornings now this word has been drifting in and out of my mind. (Probably starting with this post.) Imbolc is translated as “in the belly” and that seems to be exactly where the stirring sits. Inside. Embodied. Changing. Shifting.

Last week Sunrise Sister asked, “Has an old person moved into your body?” Some days it feels like one has as my knees creak and my body stiffens. But there is a very young person inside saying, “Make room for me. I have much to do and life to live!”

For many years I had a great discipline of walking several miles most days of the week as well as exercising on a regular basis. Somewhere along the way those disciplines drifted away. While still active, I realize that I now spend more time sitting, writing, and reading. I have not been sleeping as well at night and my head often pounds in the morning when I awaken. Again, I here the voice that says, “Take care of yourself. There is too much to do…to create…to see…to live!”

And so in this way of listening, I happened upon my Lenten practice for the year. It will be a time to take care of my body. Not in a “boot camp” sort of way, but gently and intentionally. Today is Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday, which announces the beginning of Lent. Lent traditionally means a time of fasting which can in itself ring of deprivation and another start to already failed New Year’s resolutions. That is not what I am feeling for this season. Again, it is gentler, kinder and more being mindful of how I am treating my body. What I am putting in it. How I will keep it moving. Where I will find rest. It honestly reminds me of being pregnant. Thinking of a seed sprouting from inside. New birth. Growth. Taking care of my body as if it were pregnant, because (figuratively speaking) it is!

Germinating new moments & creations. Moving toward life. What is stirring in your belly as we enter this season of Lent?

Witness

Yesterday I saw God. I saw God in the face of a child. In the eyes of grown men. In the embrace of a friend. In the glow of my husband. All…Skipping. Running. Resting. Excited & joyful. Tender & strong. Men of all ages. Young. Old. In-between. All of them, little boys & men of strength. Unwavering. Speechless & shouting. Hoarse & ever so clear. On their knees & scaling the highest mountain. God was there. Brother and sister. Two souls connected as one. Mother and daughter. Heart sisters. All joined together. Magic. Holy. Eternal. The eyes of a child. Yesterday I saw God. Amen.

My Male Companions ☺

Last week, my main "man" was featured in an interview here.

Today, my dearest furry friend finds himself in print here. (Warning: Riley's site is really for dog lovers only and/or those with a broadened sense of humor and imagination!)

I am blessed to be surrounded by such inspiration!! Je suis tres contente!

Paris...no "perhaps"

Dear Sensible One,

WE are going to Paris!!! Can you believe it? Our friends have all said, "Go!Go!Go!" Even people we don't know have popped on line to comment and say, "Don't look back!"

We are all dreamers searching for the great adventure, but few people actually take the step and go for it. You, my dear, have learned well from me. You have learned to listen to your heart and step through the fear and apprehension. You are full of life to be lived--not tomorrow or next year, but right now...Today!!

Congratulations! You pressed the "buy" button even when you tried to tell us 'it's not practical.' As Tess said, "Screw the crockpot!" Seattle will still be here when we return. So celebrate this time. Read those guide books and fabulous memoirs and novels. Listen to your French tapes and mentally pack your suitcase. Because, my dear Sensible One, WE ARE GOING TO PARIS!!!!"

love, lucy

Navigating

There are almost too many thoughts whirling through my head to land on any one topic today. I started back to work yesterday after almost two months away. I love it and I want to stay home and create. Today, it seems like I am most struck by the contrasts of life. How there can be such fullness and emptiness wrapped up together. How being in a room full of people one can feel totally alone and then sitting alone in silence, one can be met with the fullness of life. One minute we can be on top of the world and the next moment we can only feel its heaviness.

It seems to be this place of navigating where I will choose to live (in the fullness or emptiness or the in between) is what is most on my mind today. It is important for me to experience the richness of one or the other rather than staying stuck “in between.” Mark Nepo shares, “Being half anywhere is the true beginning of loneliness.” And I have come to know that I am really not a 'half anywhere' kind of girl ☺!

Hmmm… So, that is what I have to offer today. As always, I would love to know your thoughts. What are the contrasts of your life? Where do you see yourself living in the ‘in between’? How do you navigate through the contrasts of life?

(Check out lucy creates!!! for a different view of a similar topic.)

Reflections

There is lots bubbling around in my mind this morning with very little time to write or process. I decided to share this peaceful (I think) reflection written on holiday as 2007 winded down. Enjoy!

Listening to the voice inside my head and outside in the world. The sunlight dancing across the veranda. The wind gently rustling the green vegetation. The "tink tink tink" of the fan. The call of the kiskadee. The voices of my loved ones. A veritable symphony in creation surrounds me. The blank pages of a new notebook await my thoughts and musings. My ponderings. A new year lies before me. Much will feel repetitive, but each day will be new. There will be no other exactly like it. No two moments are ever the same. They are each created in the instant they happen.

Fellowship

Yesterday while doing a little shopping, I ran into a woman who I have known for many years principally through our children’s school and more recently by attending the same church (which some of you may recall is no longer the case.) I could hear the question before it was even out of her mouth, so I was prepared to answer boldly.
“Where are you fellowshipping these days?” she asked.
“No where” I answered strongly, because I refused to feel guilty about our decision. I then, of course, hemmed and hawed around about how “It is hard and we are looking, blah blah blah.”

Walking away I felt like I had just told a big fat lie…not the “we are looking” part, but the “no where” part. It felt like such a falsehood, because in reality I am fellowshipping daily with the world; with myself; with my internet friends; on the phone with my sister; with my husband as we talk about our faith journey; with anyone really who wants to be even a little bit authentic or at least listen to me as I practice my often feeble attempts ☺.

So, what is fellowship? In the way this woman asked, it felt so confining...like a single building in which to perform ritual on a specific day and time of the week. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe in ritual and gathering together in relationship, but fellowship feels so much bigger to me than something we just do on Sunday morning.

As I thought about this I realized that this week alone, I have made new friends in Paris, Scotland and a number of other places around the world. I witnessed an amazing sunrise through the sharing of a man’s childlike drawing he made to remember the red of the sky flashing in house windows…that is fellowship. Strangers and friends from all over listened to my heart and said, “Go! Go! Go!!” rather than scoffing at me like I was a naughty child…that is fellowship. When my heart connects with the beauty of nature; the moon, the sun, the cold air on my face, the flowers at the market…that is fellowship.

Fellowship is not simply held inside four walls with a designated group of “believers”. It is life. The homeless man on the street. The laughing infant in the coffee shop. The "stranger" in Paris. So, back to the original question: “Where am I fellowshipping these days?” EVERYWHERE! And it feels really good to say that and mean it!!! So, my friends, I leave you with the same question to ponder…

Where are you fellowshipping?

photo by lucy taken on a recent neighborhood walk

a sign perhaps?

At the crossroads,
where one could go either direction;
she chose the road less traveled
and that made all the difference.
It might have been easier
to take a conventional path
of relative safety and comfort;
of predictability and routine.
But she wanted to fly to the far edges of things,
to venture beyond the horizon
where adventures beckoned,
curious and irresistible,
shaped by constant change.
No set boundaries
for this small town girl,
always longing for excitement
and new discoveries.
Even if the road proved bumpy and long,
pearls of wisdom produced along the way:
unexpected blessings.

© Tara Bradford @ paris parfait

see related post here as well as more visual journal pages at lucy creates!!!

Paris Perhaps?

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” --Mark Twain

Well, dear readers, you cannot imagine where this quote (seen yesterday at Anchors and Masts) has taken me in the last 24 hours. I read those words and my mind was off to the races. The long and the short of it is, I think I am going to Paris…in four weeks…potentially alone. Now for some this might seem like a normal event, however, I have never been to France (or any other European city except London and I am not even sure Londoners consider themselves European..somehow I think not.) But I digress. I have been talking of going to Paris for a few years now. It has been on my ‘short list’ per se.

Why now, you might ask? Well, why not?? I have had nearly two weeks blocked out on my calendar for several months for a trip with friends to Mexico. That trip fell through this weekend and I will be darned if I will let two wonderfully open weeks, set aside for pure enjoyment, go to waste! So, I checked airfare to London. Cheap! Then I checked airfare to Paris (which is where I really want to go). Cheaper!!! In fact, I can go on frequent flyer miles for a total of about $75.

The brave side of me says, “Go for it!” as does my dear, wonderful supportive husband who really has no interest in going to France nor can he disappear from work and home quite so easily. But the insecure side of me says things like, “Are you crazy?” “You only have two years of high school French” “Where would you stay?” “What would you do?” “You don’t even know which side of the Seine the Eiffel Tower is on!”

And then I think of brave, women like Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love), Alice Steinbach (Without Reservations) and Anne Morrow Lindbergh (Gift from the Sea) and I realize this could be an amazing adventure…And then the not-so-brave voice steps back in.

So, here I am with a ticket on hold and two weeks to make my decision and just over four weeks to plan a trip. It feels like “sailing away from safe harbor” and I can see my inner sails filling up with the trade winds. My inner poet is saying, “Yes, yes, yes!” My practical side says, “I need to put dinner in the crock pot.”

To be continued…

Shadows

I just lit my “candle for writing” and simultaneously I am thinking about darkness. The words ‘shadow side’ are bubbling in my head. Why do we avoid our shadow? Steer clear if we can. Think it is ‘bad.’ We hate to even acknowledge that we have a dark or shadow side to us, but guess what ...pretending it’s not there does not make it so.

Lucy Van Pelt represents my shadow side. People have come to see “My” Lucy as playful and creative rather than bossy and crabby. Is it because I do not let her ‘shadow’ side come out so much on the page? Or is it maybe things have shifted inside me as I have come to embrace what she represents?

Lucy is my inner (and outer) critic, but she also motivates me. This was a great productive and creative week for me with much of it driven by shadow and hurt. There were dark pages in my visual journal that I have not shared. And, my ‘darker’more challenging soul collage cards did not appear to be well-received (at least based on the lack of comments). Ironically, the process of making those cards helped me process some of the chaos and anxiety I was experiencing thus helping shed some light so-to-speak.

If you look closely at my collages there is always light in the ‘dark’ cards and darkness in the ‘light’ cards. (This is unintentional, by the way.) Just as initially Lucy Van Pelt was rejected by me as too crabby, bitchy & bossy, she has now become my greatest ally as I have learned to embrace her.

My greatest joys have come with much pain….(childbirth, for one.) Also, who has not experienced deep loss of some sort? If the hurt is acknowledged and processed, is there not some growth and healing that happens? Sometimes the best thing to be able to do is say, “I am sad” or “I am having a shitty week”, but in some ways I feel censored to be so honest. (My inner censor speaks loudly.)

One reader said I was in a “dark” period and subsequently quit commenting—resulting in more sadness over that loss. Others may consider overabundant joy and consecutive weeks of fabulousness to be too shallow and impossible to believe. So where is the balance? For some reason FDR's quote: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” comes to mind.

I need to be able to share when I am sad and when I am joyous without being afraid of the response (or lack thereof). My emotions produce great creativity from both sides. I do not believe that makes one better than the other. They are simply different, but it appears that “darkness’ is less appealing to many. It seems frightening perhaps.

The length of this post is beginning to 'frighten' me now ☺, (I do prefer shorter discourses). So, for today I am going to consider why you (I) run from the shadow side. Or maybe you don’t. Either way I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Why do you run or avoid shadow? How do you embrace it?

Wishing you lightness in your day, so you may also see the shadows ☺. Peace.

photo by h3images

collages by lucy. see related post here.

Imagine...

If any one day had not been lived, how much different would I be? Less whole or more so? For some days have torn holes in my heart and others have penned indelible images into my soul. If any one moment had been skipped over or passed by, would I still be who I am today? Do we need all of the moments? I might guess ‘no’, but some are so defining they could not be missed.

It is kind of like the word ‘whole.’ Without a single letter, “w”, the word becomes ‘hole’ and indicates something empty or lacking or possibly waiting to be filled. Our life is filled with moments built and woven together like a fine tapestry comprised of death, divorce, marriage, birth, rebirth, life…repeated over and over in seemingly random patterns.

A moment…When does it become defining? When does the weight of a moment become irreversible? What times do children choose to remember? What are the moments I have chosen to hang onto? Why do some seemingly disappear from memory? Are they always with us? Lingering. Waiting. Forming. Shaping. Making up the wholeness of who we are?

So, what is wholeness? I see it as being fully and completely who we are at any given moment as best we can. Knowing that a moment in time can change a life forever, because the tapestry is always growing thread by thread.

So, what are the moments that have shaped you? What will you choose to do with the coming moments of your life…beginning right now?

A Tribute to John O'Donohue 1956-2008

A BLESSING FOR EQUILIBRIUM.
BY JOHN O’DONOHUE, from ‘Benedictus – A Book of Blessings’

Like the joy of the sea coming home to shore,
May the music of laughter break through your soul.

As the wind wants to make everything dance,
May your gravity be lightened by grace.

Like the freedom of the monastery bell,
May clarity of mind make your eyes smile.

As water takes whatever shape it is in,
So free may you be about who you become.

As silence smiles on the other side of what’s said,
May a sense of irony give you perspective.

As time remains free of all that it frames,
May fear or worry never put you in chains.

May your prayer of listening deepen enough
To hear in the distance the laughter of God.

found at god is not elsewhere

Lucy's Fave 7 for '07

Magpie Girl, a sponsor of Small is Beautiful, has asked for a lineup of my favorite seven posts for the past year. So, here it is...somewhat random...kind of like me ☺!

The Man on the Bus
The Words will not Come
Moments
Young at Heart
A is for Anniversary
The Tale of Lucy
Beauty in the (not so) Small Things

(Dear Readers, if you have a favorite post or topic, I'd love to hear what you have to say!!!)

photo © h3images.com. Check out this new photo website. It's marvelous!!!

i'm a rock star!

I am always a sucker for a "blog thing". Found this one over at Zena Musings . I love the description although I am certain my teenagers would beg to differ!!!

You Are Liz Phair!

Sexy tough indie girl... Who's not afraid to be a little girly "I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary Average every day sane psycho Supergoddess"

Who's Your Inner Rock Chick?

Messy

"God of mystery, help me to hold the questions, lead me to live them, bless me to bless them for disturbing my path." --Jan L. Richardson, Night Visions

Yesterday was messy. The above words and the ones I share below were penned before I even got out of bed. Little did I know how much I would need them today.

Honor the questions. Hold them lightly. Let them guide but not overwhelm and obstruct. They may disturb the path—the journey not to look how I think it should, but that’s what I get for thinking.

Follow the path like a butterfly dancing across the garden. Touching here. Lifting there. Following the breeze and scents. There is a plan perhaps, but it is not mine. Is it God’s—the man with strings in the sky? NO. I think not. It is mystery. Life force. God.

It is not the God of my elders. A God who controlled with fear and condemnation. It is the God of love. Serendipity. The God who is with me in tragedy, but who does not push a button and make it happen.

The journey is one together. The questions will always continue. Hold them lightly. Honor them well. Life is messy.

photo by lucy 1.13.08

love & fear...love & hate...not so different

Lucy, Charlie Brown & Linus make this great statement for love & hate. I found the cartoon at Experimental Theology where he is doing an online book on "The Theology of Peanuts." (It's a quite thought provoking series aside from the fact that he equates Lucy to the Satan figure ☹.) I thought it fit quite nicely with the discussion on love & fear.


(fyi--if you have trouble reading the cartoon, click on the photo and it will be enlarged.)

Shall we all practice leaning a little to one side? Now would that be the right or the left?? Hmmm....Let's all lean toward the love side, what do you think?

More thoughts on Love

Thought I would share a couple more thoughts from others on the topic of love. These two excerpts "sandwiched" the writing of my post on love and fear.

Maturity doesn't come with age or intellectual wisdom, only with love.
--Ruth Casey

We may have thought being mature meant being "grown-up." This meant acting rationally, showing good judgment, no longer exhibiting childish behavior. It's doubtful that we ever considered the expression of love as an act of maturity. However, we are learning that the key to sustained growth is the ability to love one another and ourselves.

It seems so much easier to focus on others' faults than on their assets. In childhood we learned to compete with our classmates, and this taught us to be critical of one another. No teacher tested us on how we expressed love; rather, we worked on spelling and multiplication tables, and we were pitted against other students for the gold stars.

Now we are discovering how much more comfortable life is when we all get gold stars. We are handling every situation more sanely now that we have realized the gift of serenity that accompanies our expression of love.

My growth, my maturity in this program, can best be measured by my attitude today. Am I loving, or am I still competing with the others?

You are reading from the book:

A Woman's Spirit by Karen Casey

This next quote is from actor, Val Kilmer. It appears in the January issue of O...The Oprah Magazine.

What if we made it mandatory to teach love in schools? It would be a subject you study, like algebra. You'd have to pass a test to get married or have a baby, after learning how to love. Our children would learn to be nurturing. It would be safe for boys to be loving. I heard a quote once: "Men have come and for a time made evil victorious, but they never win...Love always prevails." If we taught love, it would do more than prevail. It would manifest through our actions. Total love would liberate us all.

And here are those questions again: What if we taught love in schools, instead of fear and competition? What if we chose to act daily from love instead fear? What if we started right now with a hug instead of judgment? How would the world change?

In closing, here is one of my favorite videos that I have shared before. Think about it, please.

Two Choices. Love. Fear.

Two choices. Love & Fear. We all live there. We make those choices daily in a multitude of situations, but we are usually not conscious that is what we are doing. While we would like to profess that most choices we make are out of love, I choose to differ.

One of the most profound examples of this comes from personal experience and the time my husband and I decided to send our son to Mexico to a therapeutic boarding school. Easily, we would say we did it because we loved him and wanted the best for him (which is, of course, true.) However, at the deep root of this decision was our terror (big fear) that he would not live to see another year if we didn’t do something drastic. So, truthfully the choice was made from fear disguised as love.

How often do we see that in the world today? This post began when a friend let me know she would not be allowed to teach in a Catholic church unless a priest “supervised” her program. I was reminded of another fabulous woman I knew in times past who spent 40 plus years on the mission field in Africa, but was not allowed to teach a protestant adult Sunday school class without a male partner. Personally, I was declined leadership in a women’s Bible study because I was divorced and might encourage others to leave their husbands (indirectly, of course ☹.) It would be tempting at this point to rattle on with a multitude of other examples such as war, prejudice, etc. but I shall not. I hope you can start to see in these examples where “well-meaning” people have disguised their fear in terms of what is best for others (so-called love.)

I am feeling close to being in over my head here, but I would like to pose the following: What would it look like if each day, each moment and each interaction we asked the question: “Am I acting out of love or fear? What is my motivation?”

This doesn’t mean that fear needs to go away (for there is no chance of that anyway). Fear can be very helpful and healthy and often keeps us safe. For example, I believe it is good to have a healthy fear of drinking and driving or having unprotected sex. (I am, after all, the mother of two teenagers.) Fear, however, can also keep us trapped inside a box—immobilized and stuck in old patterns of living. Stuck in fear!

We cannot change the past or the future which are both great feeders of fear. The only thing we can affect is this moment. The past is gone. The future will never arrive. All we have is right now. We have two choices in how we will live it. Love. Fear.

So, what might happen if each day, each moment and each interaction you asked yourself the question: “Am I acting out of love or fear?” How would your world change? I hope you will ponder that.

Wednesday Whimsy

Sometimes life is just too much fun. I am enjoying new music by Sia and took time to take these fun little quizzes I found over at Sacred Ruminations. As she said, "Share if you Dare."

You Are 89% Creative

You are an incredibly creative person. For you, there are no bounds or limits to your creativity. Your next creation could be something very great... Or at least very cool!

How Creative Are You?

Your Intrapersonal Intelligence Score: 91%

Your Intrapersonal Intelligence is Very High You've spent a lot of time introspecting, and it's really paid off. You are comfortable with who you are, and you have a life philosophy that you are happy to live by. And you're always re-evaluating what you believe. Because you learn something new about yourself each day!

How Does Your Intrapersonal Intelligence Rate?

Your Interpersonal Intelligence Score: 80%

Your Interpersonal Intelligence is High You are definitely a "people person." You enjoy spending time with others. You instinctively understand people, and you are both a good counsellor and mediator. However, there are definitely times when you've had enough. And that's when you cherish being alone.

How Does Your Interpersonal Intelligence Rate?

This is what I see...

I look into her eyes and see the wisdom of the world. Young. Old. Ancient. She transforms into the white-bearded God. The humble servant. Christ on the cross. Mary. The eyes of the ancients. The core. The source. The atom of God.

I see God in those eyes. All-knowing. Kind. Wise. They are my eyes. At my core. At my source. They are my heart. My soul.

Again she grows the beard and wears the ancient robes. She spreads her arms and lifts into flight. God. Sun. Source. Water. Fire. Earth. Air. The promise of the rainbow. The covenant. The wings of angels. The stars in the heavens. Creator of heaven and earth. Miracle of transformation. Dark & light. Serious & playful. Mischievous. Serene. Calm. Reaching—not striving. Moving. Growing. Changing. Transforming. Universal.

I look into those eyes and I see peace. Life. The paradox of creation. Unique. Odd. Magnificent. The tree of life. The covenant of the rainbow. Welcoming arms. Arms that say, “This is my world. Come to me. Look at me. See what I can do. You can do it too.” She is I and so are you. The source of life. The atom of God. The core. The beginning. The seed. Rest. Chaos. It’s all there.

The eyes of a child. Where we meet God. Yea, lest you become like little children…that is when you enter the kingdom of God. She speaks to me. She calls me. She touches me. Light. Life. Wisdom. Source. The tree. The miracle. The eyes of the world. The stranger. The foreigner. The dog by my side. My beautiful children. Everyone. I see the world when I look into those eyes.

collage by lucy. see related post here.

Morphing

The journey toward wholeness is never complete, but still we reach and yearn and move toward and through it. Gradations. Variations. Two steps forward and one step back—for we are always changing. As Jung says, 'if two meet and connect, there is a reaction and we are transformed.' (Paraphrased--see direct quote here.)

Morphing like the Animorphs books my son read as a child. Our nature may feel like that of a butterfly—a miracle born of the cocoon. Or a bird on the wing lifting and floating through the air. At other times, we may feel like the snake on the ground with no arms or legs to move us, tasting only dirt within our teeth.

The butterfly breaks free from its cocoon. Birds molt. Snakes shed their skin. Yet at no time do they cease to be insect or bird or snake. They simply morph into what they already are—journeying toward their completeness.

photo © h3images

Hope

2008 is off to a fabulous start! I have enjoyed reading other people's musings on beginning a new year and have appreciated the well-received reception of lucy creates!!!! (If you haven't visited yet, please pop on over soon.) Much of my time recently has been spent creating the new site and pondering what this year may hold.

Barefoot Toward the Light had a very evocative post today on Hope which seems like an apt topic for this season. She ended with the question: "Now, in what or where lies your hope?" Here is what came to mind for me.

my hope lies in remembering how and where God has met me in the past...turning impossible situations into amazing outcomes far beyond anything i could possibly imagine. my hope lies in the present moment for it is all i have. my hope lies in the future for i know there is more to come. paradoxical? maybe. complete? you bet! my hope lies in the past, the present and the future.

How about you? In what or where lies your hope?

Happy New Year!

Well, I am back with loads of new photos, ponderings and maybe even a little poetry to begin this fabulous new year. Today, however, is dedicated to the introduction of my new blogsite called lucy creates! While "diamonds" will continue to be my primary site, I have taken on a challenge here to introduce creativity into my life each day of 2008.

I hope you will visit both sites and journey with me through this new year. Cheers!

"moon gate" by lucy