Reminder to Myself--"Live Out Loud"

If no one reads my words, does that mean I am not a writer? If I am not published, is my work not good? If I stop writing will the words continue to come? If I refuse to share my gift with others will it cease to be my gift? If I show one thing to the world, but feel something different which one is real?

When I consider asking these questions of someone else, the answers seem simple and easy. Then why is it so hard to calm the battle that goes on inside of me? The inner critic tells me I am no good. The still small voice says I am beautiful and fabulous. To whom shall I listen?

Over the last several months I have been encouraged to submit my work for publication. Yikes! It was bad enough while in graduate school to turn my writing into a teacher’s assistant and have it graded. Now I am subjecting myself to pure rejection. It really stinks. Hearing words like this “We have read (your submission) with interest. Unfortunately, it does not meet our editorial needs at this time. Blah blah blah” is really no fun at all.

So why do it? I am still pondering that one but somehow it all feels like the process where I need to be. Often when I get discouraged and feel like giving up, I receive a wonderful reminder in the words of another (God, fellow bloggers, friends, a stranger) and my desire to continue to write is renewed.

The words this morning came in the form of this quote: “We are here to live out loud.” --Balzac. And this one: “But imagine if birds only sang when heard. If musicians only played when approved of. If poets only spoke when understood.” --Mark Nepo

And so, for today I will continue to write for I cannot stop. It is like trying to stop the waves from crashing to the beach or the sun from rising in the morning or the birds from singing in the twilight. Because deep in my heart I know that I am created to “Live Out Loud.”

photo by bill

on the lighter side

It gets pretty exhausting sometimes talking and thinking about all that authenticity and inauthenticity. It can be heady stuff, you know? Sometimes you just have to go for some plain old mindless inappropriate fun! Who better to model that than a couple of teenagers? Especially when they happen to be your own and you find that you really do have a lot in common (even though they think you are from another planet.) Every now and then, however, the planets align and some really good fun comes out of it.

Warning: If you consider this blog to be a serious, contemplative place where only deep and thoughtful things are discussed, you may want to discontinue reading at this point lest your impressions be permanently changed.

At the urging of my 19 year old son (who finds me less and less alien-like as he matures), we went to a 10:00 p.m. movie. That in itself is pretty bold for me since I generally am cuddled into bed by that time...especially on a "school" night (btw--no one here is currently in school, but still the voices say 'Wednesday is a school night.') When I heard dear son say, "Come on, Mom. Live a little" with his crooked grin I could see through the phone, I answered, "Sure. What the heck!" Somewhere in there "Mr. Charming" managed to convince his sister to move away from the computer and come along with us. (Do you think it could have been impacted by the fact that "all of her friends" are out of town this week? I mean...going into public at night with her brother AND her mother?!?!??! Horror of horrors!)

Well, like I said before, sometimes all of the planets just align and the three of us toodled off (Dad had a 4:30 a.m. wake up call. Party pooper!) to the opening night of...you still have a chance to quit reading here...the new highly acclaimed stoner-action film, "Pineapple Express." And, o.k. I have to admit I really enjoyed it. Yep, Me, Lucy, contemplative counselor actually laughed out loud in the midst of an auditorium where I think the next oldest person there was maybe 25. The movie was totally inappropriate with marijuana and murder holding center stage, but a better stoner than James Franco there has not been since Sean Penn played Jeff Spicoli in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." And, yes, while I am giving true confessions, I liked that movie too.

So, there you have it. The 'other side' of Lucy. Occasionally I enjoy a good old raucous pointless movie. Now, am I recommending it? I will leave that to your own discretion. My enjoyment may have been induced by the incredible crescent moon, the warm summer night, the relief from the seriousness of late, the joy of hanging out with my kids and the fact that I am still slightly warped from my own teenage years. Anyway, if you're still with me, I hope you will come back again. You never know what might show up here. In the meantime if you care to share your own entertainment indulgences, feel free! Peace.

p.s. we also had a little fun with "photobooth"

Daily Mosaic

The morning began with a thoughtful reading and a pondering of the line: We are each small stones rolling toward the other to create one vast mosaic.* Oh, it sounded so lovely and connected in the moment. Next I engaged in my morning meditation led by the lovely Susan Piver who ended our time together with these words: May you have a day of unspeakable clarity. Ah, stones creating a mosaic... unspeakable clarity... I was set for the day... and then I opened my email.

Greeting me I found a sweet response from a dear friend, the usual spam and inspirational messages, and a note from CreateSpace letting me know that my Kindle-ready format of As I Lay Pondering was ready for preview. Yay! The long-awaited version I had enlisted the professionals to help create. Ready. Set. Drum roll, please. Open file... Gasp. No. Say it isn’t so. Ugh. Boo. Hiss. It looks like an illiterate chimpanzee designed the tablet. (My apologies to the chimpanzee.) Seriously? This is what I jumped through hoops to enroll in, paid good money for, and waited WEEKS to receive? It is no better than the free test copy I uploaded myself before I decided to turn it over to the “experts.” What ever was I thinking? My next question was what were they thinking? – (although I said it in slightly more professional terms.)

Their response: “I am sorry to hear that your Kindle Edition is not appearing as you expected.” Seriously? Whatever... Next came rote instructions about how they would be getting back to me along with details of how to contact a person immediately. Trying to stay calm, I followed their instructions verbatim and pressed the button that said, “Call us.” Pressing. No response. Pressing again. Still no response. My beautiful day's mosaic was swiftly turning into a jumbled mess. My “unspeakable clarity” was raging in words I dare not put into print. Name calling. A vicarious temper tantrum. Even an out loud bellow in the car on my way to the dentist. Yes, the dentist. A banner day all around.

What was I thinking? Stones rolling toward the other to create one vast mosaic? It feels like a boulder is pressing in on me at top speed and I will soon be flattened like a character in an old school cartoon. My inner dialogue begins... Breathe. Shut up. Breathe. I hate breathing. Relax. Don’t want to. Turn your ugly thoughts around. I don’t wanna! Meditation? Boo hiss. Peace and contentment? Give it to someone else. Knock out the Kindle-version myself? I’d rather knock out the Kindle creator right now!

Several hours elapsed... still no response from Kindle... The day only got more ludicrous, but I will spare you the details for now. Please know, however, I resorted to drastic measures and indulged in sugar cookies (which I did savor) and a tad bit of (necessary) retail therapy in order to move forward. To heck with Polly Positive... Some days a girl just needs to vent!

Chuckle chuckle... as I imagine my readers gasping that my positive outlook has been displaced by a computer glitch. You mean you get upset? I can hear them saying. I had no idea you set up expectations and then got disappointed. Are you kidding? All the time! And then the dialogue begins again between my inner sage and petulant child. Practice. Maybe. Keep rolling. I’ll try. Pondering? It might be worth a go. Vent and rage? Absolutely.

Today's mosaic lesson? Being fully human may just comprise the best stones for unspeakable clarity. Hmmmm. Now what to do about those Kindle people?

*from As I Lay Pondering, "Mosaic"

photos from Casa Battlo, Barcelona

MY NEW BOOK: As I Lay Pondering: daily invitations to live a transformed life by Kayce S. Hughlett. Available here and at Amazon.com. Get your copy today!!

The "And" is always nearby...

Of magic doors there is this, you do not see them even as you are passing through.
--Anonymous

It is night time. Evening. The end of a busy week. Come and gone. Filled with goodness and richness. Still, I am tired. A strong need to restore. Refresh. Rejuvenate. It takes energy to live out loud. AND in the moment, it takes no energy at all. My cup overflows. Friendship. Conversation. Engagement. Music. Sunshine. Scooter rides. Being present to the moment. Lovely and true. My world expanding. Friends. Work. The world at large. Strangers on the street. Engaging. Listening. Loving.

No ordinary moments. All come together in perfect timing and perfect harmony. Not pressing, just letting things happen in the midst of the busyness. AND, I miss my quiet time. My rest. The place where I find peace and solace with myself—for myself. I need me. I love that I do not need others to define who I am AND I love the engagement and realness of being with others.

Sometimes the realness of being with others can be overwhelming and takes me by surprise. Simple spoken words or gestures bring tears to my eyes. The gentle touch of a hug gives peace to a deep place in my soul. A complement confirms my own delight. AND the biting words or cold silence of another threaten to send me into a tailspin. The "and" is always nearby. No ordinary moments.

It is morning now and I am grateful for a little time to rest, reflect and write. The beginning of a new day. Freshly arrived. Waiting to be filled. And...

photo by bill

interview of me with beth p

Here is one of the coolest little meme's I have seen in quite a long time. I found it over at Abbey of the Arts and traced it back to Beth P. at the Virtual Teahouse. I had not met Beth before so I thought it would be fun to see what kinds of questions she came up with.

Here's how it works. I read Beth's blog about this exercise. I asked to be interviewed. Beth sent me the following five questions, which will be answered in this post. Then...it's your turn. If you want to play, either on the comment section to this post, or in an email to me, just let me know you would like to be interviewed. I will then dream up some questions with whatever info about you I can gain from your blog or other sources that you give me. Hopefully you'll have fun exploring the questions on your blog. If you don't have a blog, I will post your answers here on Diamonds in the Sky with Lucy. So, here are the questions Beth posed to me and my answers:

# 1. What do you do in the obviously 2 measly hours per day that you’re not blogging or doing art or sleeping?

My hope is that I am living my life to the fullest (something that took me a really long time to even recognize.) Living fully can look like many different things. Some days it includes my paying gig where I get to help train graduate students who are studying to become counselors, pastors and compassionate listeners (my word.) Other days, I stay curled up in bed in my pj’s for as long as I can - writing, reading, studying and watching how all the connections of the world come into play with each other. Play is huge for me. I love to ride my Vespa, walk around the neighborhood with or without camera, go to yoga, lunch with friends, watch movies, sip on a glass of wine and laugh, laugh, laugh!!

I recently enrolled in a memoir writing class and started taking drumming lessons on the djembe drum I bought myself for Christmas. My professional life is expanding too (although I find it nearly impossible to separate “work” from pleasure!) I am developing a new retreat called, “Returning Home to Yourself” and am co-leading a group for compassionate listeners with the lovely Christine. My passion is learning to listen to myself and teaching others how to do the same. In the process, I learn immensely from the many teachers of the world which leads me back to living life to the fullest. It’s really one big amazing circle!


# 2. Who are your ‘intimates’--family—of blood and bone, or by choice, close friends. Include pets, too, please!

The ‘intimates’ in my family include my greatest teachers. My husband, Bill, who has taught me to see life through the lens of a camera without needing a camera. He finds beauty in the most amazing places and has taught me to do the same. My son, Jonathon, is nearing 20 and can be attributed with breaking me out of the complacency that threatened to take over my life. He is living a hero’s journey and sharing that with me in the most incredible and unexpected ways. My daughter, Maryjane, is sixteen and we are learning what it means to be mother and daughter healthily. She keeps me on my toes. Somewhere along the line, I decided I wanted to raise independent children. It’s kind of hard and kind of great to see that I have succeeded ☺.

My circle of friends is diverse and incredible. In the words of the great Bette Midler, “Ya Gotta Have Friends!!” I am privileged to include my ‘blood and bone’ sister as one of my best friends in the world. I also have many girl friends that I would choose to call sister (and a few guys that are definitely my bro’s!)

Sadly, I am without pets at this time in my life. I lost my faithful companion, Curry, in September of 2008. He was a golden retriever and lived with us for more than 13 years. He taught me what it means to love unconditionally. I still miss him deeply and am not sure if or when we will add another pet into our lives.

# 3. What part of you is ‘a small piece of the beginning’?

Oh, I love this question AND it confuses me a little. I considered asking for clarification, but decided to plunge ahead on my own. FIRE. My answer is fire. I believe there is a spark deep inside of me that is a piece of the eternal beginning. It cannot be squelched. It cannot die. It was here in the beginning and shall live forever. When I am living from the place in my soul that is whole and true, the small piece shows and grows. It is like the spark that turns into flame. It is the place where I come alive and when I share it with others and they are willing to receive, they, too, come a little more alive. (Like I said earlier, it’s all one amazing circle!”)

# 4. If you wrote a play about your life and it was performed who would you want to play the leading lady?

Now, this one made me laugh out loud. Seriously, this is the third time in as many weeks that I have been asked that question. I am assuming that it could be a screenplay and not necessarily performed on stage. My original answer was Jennifer Garner. (I did one of those online quizzes for who you look like and she popped up. I also love her quirky, sweet sense of humor as well as her kick-ass independence.) Someone else suggested Diane Lane who I adore – very sexy and she has a great voice. But then two totally unique individuals from different venues of my life mentioned Kate Winslet. Woohoo! I am going for Kate especially with her recent win of two Golden Globes and a really hot cover on InStyle magazine ☺.

#5. Some say that poetry and art can be as much defenses against intimacy as they can be doorways into it. What say you about that?

Yes! Absolutely! Sometimes! ...and that's what I have to say about that...for now. ☺

So, there's my interview with Beth P. Let me know if you're up for an interview with lucy and I'll send you five questions of your own to ponder. Or, let me know if you still have questions for me...I'll be sure to answer. Yes! Absolutely! Maybe!