Two Seals and a Gift

Bandon, OR Beach

Nature offers an amazing gift of bringing us back to center when life feels out of balance. One of my favorite ways to explore just about anything is through the use of metaphor. How is this like that? While visiting the Oregon coast, my questions emerged something like this: How is the baby seal who strives to climb atop a slippery rock like my current situation? How is the beach covered in fog similar to my brain that refuses to clear? What of the sun that remains concealed from sight? Are my dreams hiding in plain view or are they just over the horizon?

One evening while beach combing, I paused to watch a group of sea lions gathered in the swelling tide. Eyes trained on the youngest pup, I was mesmerized by his struggle to climb atop the slippery embankment where his mother perched precariously. My maternal instincts were tugged by his unfruitful tenacity, and part of me wanted to wade into the icy surf and boost him onto the oblong pillar. Fortunately my sanity prevailed. After all, if he, an able-bodied water creature, couldn’t do it on his own, what benefit would I, a moderate swimmer at best, be to him? Nonetheless, our natural instincts are often to reach toward those we momentarily consider less capable—children, clients, co-workers, strangers—while setting aside our own care and safety in the midst.

Baby Reaches Mama (momentarily)

As I continued to observe the scene before me, I focused on the mother who lay upon the craggy peak—her pose precarious, like a crescent moon tilted on its side and loosely balanced on a rocking pebble. She appeared neither concerned about her shaky state or that of her offspring diligently attempting to reach her. Occasionally, she raised her head to look around, but then lay back to rest. She wisely knew the rhythm of the tide would ultimately ease her off the rock and into the water, reuniting her and her babe.

Recalling this scene later, I asked the questions: How is this like my calling today? Will I clear my head enough to look around and inquire: What do I need? What next? What will bring me life, rest, joy, peace, and love? Even though my initial response was to rescue the striving pup, my deep resonance was not with him... I have done enough striving for a lifetime. Today I choose to wonder how I can rise up like the wizened matriarch, peer around, and allow the flow of life to gently carry me into the sea and off my own precarious perch.

My assessment is not that the mother sea lion is resigned to her existence, but rather she has learned the rhythms of her life and chooses to go with them rather than struggle against the raging tides. Her young pup expends his energy in his own natural (and necessary) process of maturation. Each are appropriate for their time and stage in life.

Curious!

Today I invite you to consider this: Where do you struggle and strain when letting go might serve you better? What energy needs to be expended to bring your life (mind, spirit, body) into balance or maturation? How is this like that? Where might nature guide you today?

It Takes a Village

The Coffee House on Cherry Street, Tulsa Oklahoma (Feb '12)

Have you ever launched a personal aspiration out into the world? Or embarked upon something you’d planned for a lengthy period of time (a dream vacation, college selection, or committed relationship)? From personal experience, I’ve found it’s a lot like sending a child off to their first day of school or standing on the edge of a minuscule airplane platform preparing to fling yourself into the great unknown. You’ve prepared as best you can—read all the books, packed the lunch (or parachute or suitcase), gathered support from friends and family—and now it’s time to let go and see what happens. Such has been my experience over the last few months as I released my innermost reflections and introduced As I Lay Pondering: daily invitations to live a transformed life into the world.

Officially published on January 25, 2012, “Pondering” has made its way into over 350 homes around the world—including Australia, England, Canada, Hawaii, Alaska, and Florida. It’s a highly respectable sales number for a first-time, self-published book, but... hey, I have more friends than that on Facebook and this is my baby I’ve sent off to school which means I want the greatest success possible. Now to be perfectly clear, my definition of success is not by numbers. It’s about reaching people who may be touched, inspired, or personally challenged and transformed by its message. My belief is that “Pondering” is a life-giving book. While I know it’s not for everyone, I also trust there are way more than 350 people out there who will resonate from this message.

"Like Mark Nepo and Rachel Naomi Remen, Kayce invites us to learn with her day by day as she creates a handmade life. Her stories enlighten while her prompts tickle the heart's ear to listen with more clarity and self-kindness. A beautiful way to spend a few minutes each day." Jennifer Louden, best-selling author and teacher 

Book signing, Walla Walla, WA (Apr '12)

The foremost question people ask me these days is “what’s next?” My answer? Who knows!?! But in this moment, I am sharing these few thoughts. Perhaps you’ve been considering buying your own book. Fabulous! Today is a great day to do it. Maybe there’s someone in your life who could use a little encouragement and hope each day. As I Lay Pondering makes a beautiful gift! Think about it. Are you ready to embark on your own dream and would welcome some encouragement? Yes? Go for it! I’m here to cheer you on.

The term “it takes a village” has always resonated with me and now more so than ever. One way I see it manifesting is in how we help each other nurture our dreams, thus growing stronger villages in the world. Today, I’m sharing my ongoing dream with you. I hope you’ll consider being a part of my village in whatever way resonates for you. Send me a note... buy a book... pass along this message... say a prayer... invite me to your town/blog/interview/favorite bookstore... the possibilities are really endless once we start dreaming together!

And, please don’t forget to let me know how I can help nurture your dreams! Collaboration? Shall we? Remember... it takes a village!

As I Lay Pondering: daily invitations to live a transformed life by Kayce S. Hughlett Available here and at Amazon.com. 

Changing the World

"When we work at solving our own problems, we've already made a contribution to solving the problems around us." Adrienne Howley, The Naked Buddha

Never underestimate your personal power to change the world. I sit here today wrapped in the wonder and awe of seemingly inconsequential acts and moments that—taken alone—might appear to have no impact in the world. I'm talking about random happenings... acts offered in kindness and received in silence.

As I was writing my new book, there were days when I wondered what the heck am I doing? Is it all worth it? Is this self-serving? Why go through the agony and potential embarrassment of putting myself out into the world? I went through a similar process in my early blogging phase when I was so obsessed with readership and comments that I nearly went apoplectic with the highs and lows of others responses. Ultimately, I decided to turn off my stat counters and return to the core of why I was writing.

Both with the book and the blog, my mantra for moving forward was often: If this impacts even one person for good, then it is all worth it. Many days I broke it down so small that I was the one person to be impacted... With the blog there were dry periods when writing was slow and other times when it seemed too raw and private to print. Nevertheless, I kept plodding away. In recent months as I've pondered my online presence, I've considered whether or not to combine my "diamonds:" this one ("in the sky") and "diamonds in the soul" where I play for pay. Critics and marketing gurus say we should have a brand or a look that people associate with us. Their wisdom might also pose that having a blog still operating with a "blogspot" address (i.e. not customized) is the kiss of death. Again, I ask: Why am I writing and who is it for? Bottom line - I write to discover what I know, and this forum has been the place where I continue growing in my knowing. "lucy" gave me back my voice and allowed me space to ponder to my heart's content without the pressure of "being professional" or following a neatly designed brand. That is one reason why lucy is staying right here.

The 2nd reason circles back to my original statement: Never underestimate your power to change the world. This morning, a longtime reader (and sometime commenter) revealed to me that this blog had been a catalyst in moving him toward a life-changing experience. This blog. Right here, folks. My girl, lucy. I am amazed, inspired and grateful for that revelation. It helped me remember that no act (or blog) is too small (or uncool) to manifest goodness. My goal continues to be toward my own personal growth and discovery... and if it happens to catch someone else in the process, Wow!... that's something to celebrate! I am abundantly grateful he shared. I am wildly delighted to be here. I am enchanted with this Universe that brings together random people and shifts small acts of authenticity toward magnificent goodness.

Today: How will you be the change you wish to see in the world? Perhaps one small act at a time? What if you believed that everything is connected and nothing is wasted? I do.

As I Lay Pondering: daily invitations to live a transformed life by Kayce S. Hughlett. Available here.

photos ©h3images.com (ruby beach, 12/30/11)

Pondering... 30 in 30 - Day 26

Enough

When do you know enough is enough? It’s a colossal dilemma for most Westerners. We set ridiculously high standards according to an elusive “they” who rattles around inside our heads. It’s a gigantic setup for failure, because “they” are never satisfied and continually remind us there are additional things to do, further places to visit, and masses of people to feed, clothe and save. Reaching for enough is overwhelming when listening to the unrelenting chatter. I know if I wait until everything is done in order to declare myself gratified, I’m setting myself up for an arduous and dissatisfying journey.

Stepping back I ponder how to choose satisfaction over discontent and abundance over scarcity. What will be enough today? For me, enough arrives at the precise moment I personally and individually declare it so. Enough doesn’t cater to others. Anything becomes enough when I affirm it and believe it, if only for a moment. For example, consuming food isn’t about cleaning my plate and overeating because “they” told me that’s what I should do. Rather, it’s about nourishing my body until I am physically satisfied – no more or less. In yoga class, the teacher tells us the hard part is over once we’ve showed up. I get to choose whether or not I agree. Witnessing the end of the original Rocky movie, it’s hard to determine who officially won, because each fighter had his own standard for winning. When we try to complete or compete with someone else’s conditions of enough, it’s nearly impossible to achieve triumph.

When do I know enough is enough – for me? Designing standards comes from subjective thought just like any other, so why not set ones I can achieve and appreciate? I could stop mid-sentence and declare this piece enough, or I could set a goal of 500 pages for the day and feel dissatisfied every minute because it’s impossible to achieve. Personally, success feels much better than failure and tends to be infinitely more motivating. In the example here, my balance probably lies somewhere between mid-sentence and a tome, but the point is I get to choose my own enough.

Dedicated to Kanesha - I finally declared this post "enough"!

Diamonds in the Soul - helping high-functioning, under-living people recover and nourish personal delight & joy in life.

Pondering... 30 in 30 - Day 13

VISUAL PONDER...


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Diamonds in the Soul - helping high-functioning, under-living people uncover & maintain personal delight & joy in life.

Pondering... 30 in 30 - Day 9

Old Brain

There is a voice inside our heads that, believe it or not, usually wants to help. It comes from the places of old and is reptilian in nature. Karen Armstrong simply calls it “old brain.” Martha Beck names it our “lizard.” It also goes by such pseudonyms as the inner critic, devil on your shoulder, or possibly your mother. It is the voice that keeps us in check and goes back to primordial times when all we needed was to be safe, fed and procreate. Since there are no saber-toothed tigers stalking us today, our brain has a tendency to make stuff up that emulates danger.

Since it is an old brain, it is both sophisticated and naive in a very primitive way. My inner critic says things like Who do you think you are? No one will read this drivel! Stop while you’re ahead, fool. It doesn’t sound very helpful, does it? I want to shout back and name call, too, in a display of my own unevolved self. Experience, however, demonstrates that what we resist persists. Fighting, pushing, ignoring and shouting back – all feel like resistance to me. Perhaps a new tactic is in order. Pause. Breathe. Listen a little more closely.

Hey, Lizard, what do you really want? Like a sultry teenager or a petulant child, she pouts and whines and calls me more names. By engaging in the name-calling, the drama escalates and no one wins, so I choose to listen a little more deeply. What she really wants is to simply keep me safe. By convincing me to back off from my goals which entail taking risk, she thinks she’s performing her job successfully. Counterintuitive to my basic instincts to battle her, I’ve noticed responding with laughter, kindness, humility and confidence is much more effective in quieting down this petulant child.

What do you really want? Could there be something helpful beneath all that brain noise? Probing a little deeper, I understand my lizard also wants to be heard – just like me. Hmmm. Perhaps a compassionate bent is the best choice, even though placing my fingers in my ears and screaming, “I can’t hear you” can be quite appealing. Petulance or compassion – which will I choose today?

Today's ponder is inspired by Laura S. Her prompt: How does our inner critic serve us, and how do we best relieve her of her duties?

photo © h3images

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Pondering... 30 in 30 - Day 6

Cutting the Cord

I don’t understand the chemistry of a labyrinth – if chemistry is even the word. How magic happens by stepping into a circle of stones. This day I was simply there to do the time. I even set the stopwatch on my wrist. Walking slowly, I was drawn to pulling out the haphazard weeds in the path. Themes of ritual and funeral rose in my mind. Letting go. Refining and expanding.

Stepping into the center, I see the altar of remembrances and symbols of others’ letting go. My pockets holding a hotel key and sunglasses, I have nothing to leave. But there on my wrist are the cloth bracelets I have worn for years. They represent another time of life. The raising of my children now turned adult. It’s time to release and let go.

The lavender band was the easier to remove. Elastic, faded purple, worn around the edges, it’s had many uses – holding my hair, snapping my wrist, adding color to my life. It is a reminder of my sweet girl. Today it’s time to let go. The green band comes next – not so easy to maneuver. I’ve worn it for seven years in honor of my dear son. It’s time to let go and as I stand in the center of the labyrinth I know that to be true. Ritual. Funeral. Release.

No scissors. No knife. No stone sharp enough to cut the cord. Only my sheer will to release and let go. It was painful and at times seemed impossible. Pushing. Pulling. Tugging. Centimeter by centimeter I stretched it across my hand. Tiny blood blisters form on my wrist and no doubt bruises will follow. Millimeter by millimeter. I cease to battle, because it is inevitable the bracelet will stay in the center of this New Mexico labyrinth. How do we know when it’s time to let go? We know.

Pausing in the center, tears formed and while there wasn’t a whoosh of relief or release, there was a calm presence that offered, “This is true. Yes.” Squatting by the sweet altar, holding my breath for a moment or two – leaving purple and green tucked and entwined together, a magpie feather guarding their resting place. “You can’t return the way you came.” Words as clear as the church bells in the distance. Another magpie leads my way as I step across the path. A hop here. A pause there. I can’t go back the way I came.


photo with permission © http://www.carryitforward.com/

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90 Seconds to Release

“Despite our fear of certain feelings, it is feeling each of them all the way through that lands us in the vibrant ache that underrides our being alive. To reach this vibrant place is often healing.” -- Mark Nepo

Life has been crazy full lately with all sorts of brilliant and shiny adventures. It’s all good, as they say. My body, however, seemed to indicate otherwise. Even amidst healthy eating, plenty of sleep and regular exercise, last week my body declared a moratorium on health. I came down with an icky cold “out of nowhere.” So, I slowed down (sort of), paid attention (with soft focus) and listened (perhaps with one ear.) Actually, I kept going – only doing the “essential” things, of course – until my body said, “Excuse me. I’d like your FULL awareness NOW.”


So, Wednesday, I woke up and I cried. Buckets. I finally let go and quit trying to analyze things and figure them out. I pushed my favorite “should” to the background – (“You should know better.”) – and just let myself be. I slowed down and got quiet. I lit a candle, played the Cistercian monks on iTunes, raged in my journal for awhile, sobbed into my pillow, wailed a little more, then went to my scheduled spiritual direction appointment where I sat with a wise listener who let me cry some more. (I hope you’re not distracted by what might have brought me to this state, because that’s not really the point… but I do appreciate your concern.)

If you’re asking what is the point, well, I just needed to let my emotions be. While I have a general idea where some of the angst arises (e.g. my mother died on Mother’s Day seven years ago and I tend to mentally forget this), the point was my body was giving me all sorts of signals that I needed a little grieving time. Again? Yes. Still? Absolutely.

We are such amazing creations and my new favorite mantra is “The body doesn’t lie.” Who would have thought that buckets of tears, some lament music, a gentle hot yoga session and ultimately oral surgery would provide the prescription to returning to my normal-feeling self? Counterintuitive, huh? Nonetheless, my blockage – both nasal and otherwise – seem to be on the pathway to clearness after following just that plan.

Brain scientist, stroke survivor and author, Jill Bolte Taylor offers that it takes only 90 seconds for the chemical release and physiological response of an emotion to be triggered, surge through our body and be completely flushed out of our bloodstream. We have a choice as to whether we mentally hold onto the pain and allow it to further poison our system, or allow ourselves the cleansing benefit of fully experiencing the surge when it arises. Wednesday I allowed my grief to expand and flow through me. It’s definitely harder than it sounds, but one of the reasons I’m recording this memory is perhaps next time, I’ll mentally get to this knowledge sooner and my body won’t have to pull out all the stops to slow me down when an uncomfortable emotion arises again. I’ve come to learn there’s nothing linear about life. We don’t get to grieve or forgive or cry, be angry or laugh just once and then be done. Life is a cyclical process that turns back on itself again and again as onward we go!

Is there an intense feeling you’ve been avoiding? Will you allow yourself 90 seconds of pure emotion today? Go ahead, throw rocks into the ocean. Crank up the blues music. Dance with abandon until your toes tingle with joy. Think about it.

Happy to be an Outcast

(Abba Nilus) said, “Happy is the monk who thinks he is the outcast of all.” (Nilus 8)

“Both the inner monk and inner artist are border-dwellers. Neither fit neatly into mainstream society as they both call us to new ways of being and seeing. The monk calls the world to spaciousness and presence rather than rushing and productivity. The monk takes the hard and demanding path of inner work and growth when the world constantly offers possible ways to numb us from these struggles.” - Christine Valters Paintner

Living on the edges while fully participating in life is a paradoxical way of being. For some reason I am reminded of the movie “Field of Dreams” where the principle character, Ray, played by Kevin Costner received the message, “If you build it, they will come.” This prompted Ray to step out of the normal paradigm of life into something that appeared crazy to the world around him. His rewards were more magnificent than anything he could have dreamed.

My life has turned into a field of dreams. It happens by living on the edges moment by moment. Stopping to smell the roses. Being in awe of the fresh green sprouts pushing through the earth. Cherry blossoms burst into full bloom and take my breath away. My world continues to expand as I follow my heart’s desire.

Living life as an “outcast” is exhilarating (while also holding moments of isolation). At a time when my peers are extolling the woes of aging, I’m in the best overall health of my life. My passport acquired in 2003 is annually adding new countries – sometimes as a woman traveling alone (gasp). I started graduate school at 47. Skydived at 49. I’ve been known to break into fits of uncontrollable laughter for no apparent reason or run through a public fountain in the midst of gleeful children. I am more in touch with God/Spirit/Life than ever before even though I “left the church” years ago. My children are quite “nontraditional” and still I’m a very proud mama.

The top comes down in my convertible if the temperature breaks 45F and it’s a particularly sunny winter day. I say 'No' at times when others expect me to say 'Yes'. A pink tutu topped my Christmas list last year. Crows call me Magic. Friends call me Crazy. I call myself Brilliant. (Audacious, huh?)

My cat, Aslan, can occupy my attention for hours by purring in my lap or doing circus tricks with my spouse. Bella, my desert ship, always makes me smile even though she snarled at me during her break. (I might have done the same thing.) My world is driven by Spirit. Refining and expanding lead my way, because even though what I have in this moment is Enough, I know abundance is my friend and thoughts of scarcity keep me limited.

I offer gratitude for my trials and rejoice in new opportunities to learn. I rage & scream & bellow at injustice, and then I let it go. I don’t “play nice” anymore. Nice kept me locked up like a prisoner for too many years. I am kind and I am free. Sanity is boring. Kookiness means loving life as it is. If this is living on the edges – it rocks!!!

Where do you long to break free and live on the edges? Invite your inner monk and artist to guide you toward the border. Perhaps you're already there. Woohoo! Let's play!!

Bella © 2010

Drafty Window - Part 2

"Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me." - Luke 8:46

In my last post, I wrote about my drafty window and today the conversation continues. As I ponder the warm air seeping out my window, I'm reminded of Jesus' story when he felt his power leave him as the woman in need of healing touched his garment. He said, "Someone has touched me." Is this how I feel as I'm aware of others' pain? Does compassionate power flow out to meet others' needs? Do I offer it willingly or is it sucked out unknowingly? Is warm air drawn out with the draft or does cold air come pouring through the window? How does another's hurt blow through the crack in my heart?

Compassionate hearts are at risk of being drained of their own life. Sacrificial giving can end in death. So, today I ponder the balance between offering myself in service of others and protecting my warmth and health enough to have something left to give. It's like the leaky window. Do I want to plug the cracks so the cold can't get in? If I do, does this mean my warmth will no longer flow out?

How much does a number weigh?

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?” Leroy (Satchel) Page

What’s in a number? In my "former" life I was an accountant surrounded by numbers day and night. Combine a conservative Christian, basically fundamental background with a profession where everything balances neatly and you don't have much room to consider the unknown. Interesting, huh? Now the "new me" finds myself living in a more mysterious, less objective, certainly not as concrete existence with LOTs of space allowed.... and still I find numbers can carry their own weight.

As I mentioned here, I’ve been working with a life coach whose specialty is weight issues. Professionally speaking, however, I must remind myself that the presenting issue is rarely the real issue. Participating via supportive group sessions and online discussions, I quickly found myself feeling fabulous, fit and lighter in every sense of the word. So, one day while at the gym, I decided it was time to step on the scales - fully expecting the number to reflect this supremely satisfied me. As I pushed the little weight counter over to the balance point, I was horrified (and deeply disappointed) to find there was NO movement since the last time I weighed several weeks before. (Gasp!!) What’s a girl to do? Let a piece of metal take away my mellow? I almost let the scales win, but quickly realized I much prefer feeling light & easy rather than heavy-laden with the makings of my own mind. Thanks to the great support of other fabulous women, I rallied and didn’t let myself go into a tail spin. But, oh my, the power of that silly number!!

Now while I could expound for hours on the subject of weight and body image, I wanted to relay another experience with numbers I had today. Per my last post, I spent the majority of two full days in my closets – sorting, pitching, and recycling those things that no longer serve me well. If I don’t love it or have an immediate functional use for it, out the door it went. I saved my personal closet for last as I had cleaned it only a couple of months ago, but this time I was ruthless. I dug into corners that haven’t been seen in MANY years. I found jewelry, I’d forgotten I lost. I tried on pants and skirts that have become too large for my slimmer self. I vacuumed and dusted nooks and crannies – organized necklaces and scarves and earrings – pitching anything without a mate and forgetting my previous motto, ‘Well it might turn up... (or) I might need this...’

In this heroic effort, I saved the cream of the crop to take to the resale shop down in the village. Included in the two bursting bags were jewelry pieces, strappy sandals, a practically new leather coat and a variety of well-made clothes I hate to think how much their original cost. Dressed in a sassy skirt having just come from work, I loaded up the bags and went to make my fortune in resale. I patiently waited as the young twenty-something clerk plucked through my things, making what I thought were two piles and feeling assured the larger pile was definitely the ‘keeper’. She finally finished and with a perky smile and polished tone announced, “We’ve decided to keep three pieces today, so the cash available to you is $9.45.” $9.45?!?!?!? Are you kidding me? I spent two days cleaning and sorting, saved my best stuff for you and all that’s worth $9.45? These last words, of course, spoken only in my mind.

Numbers. What’s a girl to do? Throw a fit? Cry? Devalue the super light feeling I felt after clearing away all that clutter? Tempting, but No Way!! A little convertible time, some good music and a trip to the charity center to drop off my very valuable donations is helping lift the power of this particular number ☺. Oh my, I do continue to learn so much about myself. I noticed that I wanted to drive immediately to the bakery or the smoothie store and sooth my wounded little pride. My inner whiner was sulking big time! “Waaahhh. They didn’t want our stuff.”
“Thanks, kid.” I gently consoled. “But I'm not buying into the whining this time. Numbers are just numbers… and we get to decide the weight we want to give them.”

So, that’s my current numbers game. Things don't always add up so neatly and the mystery continues. I wonder how much a heavy attitude weighs? Next up in the potentially impacting numbers category? My birthday. Hmmm…. How old would I be if I didn’t know how old I am?

I'm a Guest Blogger - Check it out!!

Life is full of such grandness and delight, I hardly know where to begin. For two days now the classic song by Petula Clark has been rolling through my head while I’m “Feeling Groovy.” ☺ Abundance rules with lots of sunshine, exciting adventures, lazy days and more.
Feeling Groovy pretty much sums it up!

Today, I would like to introduce you to a marvelous woman who has been part of all this groovyness with her wonderful work that's been impacting my life over the last seven weeks. Tonya Leigh is one of those women I feel like I’ve known all my life even though we’ve never met in person. On some what of a whim I signed up for her Slim, Chic, Savvy program with hopes of deepening my own awareness around food and body image, as well as exploring new ways to relate to others struggling with their own issues. What I’ve found is a soul sister who’s taken the principles I value in life and translated them into a program for deepening awareness of not only food and weight issues, but one focused on authentic living through pleasure and delight. (Is there really any other way!?!?)

It is my honor to be a guest blogger at Just B Living today, so without further adieu, I invite you to go over and take a peak into today’s offering, Do Slim, Chic, Savvy Girls Play Laser Tag? (The post includes more adventures as a tourist in my own town with my buddy, Seamus.) Enjoy!

While you’re there be sure to sign up for Tonya’s Slim, Chic, Savvy Manifesto. You won’t be sorry!!!

(btw - don't forget to let me know what you think about the guest post ☺.)

seamus & lucy Seattle Center - 7.10

Pressing the Sanity Button

Returning home from a couple of weeks of travel and even more of summer activities that have kept me away from the computer, I turned to my blog reader, noted the number of unread posts, hyperventilated for a moment and then pressed "mark all read." Relief ensued, but not so fully that I wanted to leave my action unmarked.

I hate to miss out on the life events and words others so carefully craft and share at their own blog sites. However - I must continue to practice maintaining personal sanity, and pressing "mark all read" was the answer today.

I know you will be gracious with my action, and I invite you to leave me a comment and link if there's something you're particularly proud of or think lucy really needs to know!!

Do tell - What does your sanity button look like?

©h3images photo - Maui, 2010

Truth of an Ending

Relationships are complex. I realize large doses of energy are spent considering relationship of some form - with myself - with others - with God. I woke up this morning with these words running through my mind - It is in relationship that we are broken and in relationship we are healed.

There's a theme of abandonment that runs through my personal narrative... So, much of the time I feel as though ended relationships are a failure on my part. If only I'd done something different, perhaps the relationship would have survived. If only I'd been a better friend, mother, daughter, fill-in-the blank, maybe they wouldn't have left. Sound familiar?

And then there are those relationships where I know I was the one who threw down the gauntlet and said, "This isn't working. Something needs to change" and the other party chose not to engage, and the relationship ended. So then what? Who has failed? Perhaps no one. Maybe everyone.

As I awoke this morning, I was greeted with these words, "magically" appearing in the form of "Today's Gift":

"Regret is an appalling waste of energy, you can't build on it: it's only good for wallowing in." - Katherine Mansfield

"Sentences beginning with "if only" can go nowhere but straight to regret... At times it's we, ourselves, who do the leaving. We can count it a success, not a failure, when we've had the courage to acknowledge the truth of an ending." -- Joan Larkin

That last sentence is slowly creating a shift in my perspective. Can I claim the bravery in seeing 'the truth of an ending'- the wisdom of letting go - the necessity of saying good-bye?

Are there places where you hang onto regret and find yourself wallowing in "if only's"? Would your perspective change if you saw the ending of a defunct relationship as a success rather than a failure? Can you listen to the truth that lies within your own heart - remembering there are three kinds of relationship - with God - with others - and with yourself?

Will you ponder alongside me?

"friends" photo © lucy

Wild Angels

The readings and practices I have encountered and engaged in during this season of Lent have been rich and full of deep meaning for me. I have found myself moving through the desert and awakening into spring. The dark of night has whispered love stories to me and the light of day has proven expansive and wondrous. Integration has been a key theme as I look back on the days and weeks proceeding this day.

Yesterday, however, after writing my post about chakras and meditation, I found myself wondering if people are confused by my writing – by me – by my faith. The church of my youth and not-so-distant past frowned disparagingly on notions of yoga and opening your mind beyond the concrete pages of the Bible. So, I guess it’s no wonder there are vestiges of personal thought that linger in that camp. Yet, when I listen deeply to my heart and sink into the word of God that engages me at every turn, I know I’m truly on a Holy path.

Yesterday’s post referred to a small portion of a quote from Tao Te Ching, but I spent much of the day with another piece pricking at my mind:

"Care about people’s approval
and you will be their prisoner."
--Tao Te Ching

Today’s scripture reading offered me affirmation it was time to let go of those lingering thoughts of worry:

“The Lord God has given me a well-trained tongue, that I might know how to speak to the weary a word that will rouse them.”
Isaiah 50:4

…and suddenly the battles of how to communicate my faith dissipated. There is a wholeness I feel that reaches beyond only the Bible’s pages. It comes from the brokenness I have experienced in my life as well as the joy I find in some pretty unexpected places. Learning to rouse myself and those around me is my calling.

Exploring the world – all corners of it – is my path to God. Studying yoga – chakras – centering prayer – praying with the elements – soul collage – drumming – water dance – laughter – tears – hours in silence – creating art – writing poetry – doing nothing – going on pilgrimage, et cetera, et cetera – are just a few of the pathways where I have met God.

If I worry about what others think – if I let them pick my path – then they own me. So, I ask myself, “What is my heart?”

My heart is connected to the world – intertwined with God – grounded in the earth – reaching toward the heavens. Knowing what is love and what is fear. We fear what we do not know. Thus, I continue seeking and hoping for a developed mind that learns to speak with a “well-trained tongue, that I might know how to speak to the weary.”

In closing, I must share the final little impetus that led me to write these words. It comes from today’s post at Abbey of the Arts where she asks us to name which angel is calling to us as we enter this final week of Lent. My angel greeted me boldly. She is one who has come before and I pray will come on a regular basis. She is the one I believe overcomes fear and pushes us toward freedom. Beware before you read any further, because I wholeheartedly offer this blessing to you (and me) from this Wild Angel ☺.

May the Angel of Wildness disturb the places
Where your life is domesticated and safe,
Take you to the territories of true otherness.
-John O'Donohue

The angel of wildness picked me up, pulled me out of complacency and introduced me to “true otherness”. For that (& more) I am eternally grateful.. May you feel whole, connected and free during the coming days. May your week truly be Holy.

Namaste ☺

dusk

Moving through the cycle of breath, dusk comes at the time of release and outbreath. Let go. Let down. Surrender. Feel the embrace of the beloved. Be held in those loving arms. Release into the autumn of my life. I do not have to let go of beauty. Simply - release, surrender, breathe.

"How far have I to go to find you in whom I have already arrived." -- Thomas Merton

Last evening I created the above collage to honor the hour of dusk, and this morning I stumbled upon Merton's quote witnessing to the same hour of the day. Here are the words that tumbled out when combining the three movements of breath, collage & response:

Already arrived. Already home to myself. One with God, Christ, Spirit. I don't have to go anywhere. I already have everything I need. The hour of dusk allows me to settle into those words. The words of God and the words of the day. All that has gone before me surrounds me - like laundry blowing in the wind. Perhaps it will touch me. Perchance I will be enveloped in the embrace. Perhaps I will exhale deeply into emptiness - allowing myself to be filled by God once again.

The exhale empties me. I can allow myself to feel alone - to feel the need to go somewhere - to find someone to hold me or something to ground me. Or... I can sink into the truth that I am already surrounded by everything I need. The wholeness comes by feeling all the hours of the day - every cycle of breath and every season of life. My wholeness is coming. My wholeness has already arrived.

Where are you feeling wholeness today? Is it illusive or can you rest in knowing you have already arrived?

day

"And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk to bloom." --Anais Nin

Continuing through the cycle of the hours and the breath started here, I pause after the inhale of dawn and survey what greets me in the fullness of the day. Multiple images surface in this season: standing at the edge of a high dive - clinging to the open door of an airplane - arms spread wide at the peak of a mountain top. In each case, I hold my breath. I am ready to jump and anything is possible. Will I dare to risk what lies before me? Will I accept the risk to bloom and reach further?

The pause at the top of the inhale speaks to me of fullness and risk. I'd love to know... what does it say to you?

Letting Go - Ritual

Ritual Saturday. A walk to the beach to celebrate letting go of vestiges of 2009, and to unite fire and water. My heart says to let go with fire (not of it), knowing that fire and water will both work to purify me in the coming year.

I begin today’s journey at the top of 300 stairs. Each step down a reminder to let go, until I finally reach the beach. It is windy and cold – not quite deserted. My first moments, I find sea glass – a rarity on this stretch of sand.

A small sailboat races across the Sound. “You are the boat. Life is the sea.” The sails are at full tilt. Shall I move head first into the year? A giant piece of ancient roots sits like a sentinel in the sand. It is the focus of my attention – grounded and solid.

Continuing down the beach, I seek a fire pit to burn my list of good-bye’s. I know my matches will not take hold in this mighty wind. My lone fire will not be enough. How can I burn my list? I need fire to let go. Spying a family gathered around a flame, I understand I can ask for help. I don’t have to do everything alone. Fire is meant to be shared. Someone else can help warm me.

“May I feed your fire?”

“Of course,” they respond. And so I drop my list of good-byes into the pit. It doesn’t light at first. I feel silly for a moment – old judgments stir inside my gut. The man tells me it is an “inherited” fire, left by someone who came to burn a Christmas tree. The flame is being passed. My list crinkles at the edges, bursts into flame and then it is gone – just like that. I thank them. They thank me and I realize how deeply we have shared without full explanation or many words at all.

As I walk away, there is a tugging in my heart. Did I expect to feel lighter? I have let go and now I feel a little shaky and not sure what to do next. So, I head back toward the stairs, but first I must pass through the tunnel under the railroad tracks – retracing my steps. My shakiness dissipates as I witness what is before me in mosaic-form– fire and water together. It is a sign to me that I don’t have to give up one to receive the other. I can have them both.

But, just in case my thick head won’t remember and forgets too quickly, there is another gift on the wall. “May your soul always be on fire.” I am overwhelmed by the welcoming of the Universe – God surrounding me. I am the boat and life is the sea. We are in this together.

One foot in front of the other, I begin the climb back up the steps. Step. Receive. Breathe. Step. Receive. Breathe. Upward and onward into the year. Fire inside. Moist air surrounding. Solid ground beneath my feet.

all photos taken Saturday, January 2, 2010 © lucy

I asked for a single word. I got a whole theme.

“…there are those who convert the body into a luminous fluidity, surrendering it to the inspiration of the soul.” –Isador Duncan *

A few years ago, I began the practice of choosing a word for the new year – one to focus on that seems to capture the essence of me at this particular point in time.

It’s really a misnomer to say that I “choose” the word, because in reality, each time, the word has come to find me. This year has been no different as the word started noticeably washing over me during my pilgrimage to Ireland.

As 2009 headed to a close, the hints became more prevalent. I was noticing quotes* in doctor’s offices and strangers were recommending books for me to read. In my observant style, I wrote down the quotes, listened to the signs and bought the books. I played with the words in my mind, but THE word did not seem to want to show itself. Finally, the theme became crystal clear as I read this post on making espresso. Was I "strong enough to stand up to the pressure, but resilient enough to let the water pass through evenly"? I knew I could resist no more. And still, I resisted.

You see, I loved my word for last year: FIRE! It was indeed a year of burning flames, hearts bursting open and projects ablaze. I’m still reveling in my acquaintance with St. Brigid of Kildare who I encountered while in Ireland. She is most often shown with flame in hand and is known for her hospitality and celebrating the ordinary. She is a woman on fire.

So, with all of these flames and fire, I was a bit chagrined to learn that my theme for this year is… WATER. Nothing like a burst of H2O to put a damper on a good flame, huh? Now, don’t get me wrong, I am already embracing this new theme…slowly. However, it feels important to share my own resistance in letting go of the heat of 2009.

Appropriately, it has been a very wet day here as the calendar turns to 2010. It is a new decade and instead of a word, I have a full-blown theme. (I have also considered whether or not I may be working my way through the elements.) Regardless, WATER (with all of it's fluidity & flow) ought to keep me busy for awhile!


So, there it is. I have officially passed from the element of fire into the new year of WATER. Do you feel called to take on a similar practice of asking for a word? Abbey of the Arts gives a beautiful history of the origin and her own word of the year (along with a great giveaway.) Become Inspired with Kate Iredale as she shares her own word. I’m certain there are more around the internet and I look forward to nurturing each other as we embrace who we are to be in this coming year! So, what's your word?

Cherry blossoms? Really?

While tidying up my studio this morning, I ran across this little parable/fairy tale written during a recent group supervision session. While I realize it is not quite cherry blossom time, I thought it appropriate as we begin the new year and consider what undiscovered adventures await us and where we might find freedom in letting go.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful pink cherry blossom. She was stunning in her splendor – light, extravagant, playful. She wanted to swim in the air, but nevertheless clung to the branches – hoping she could live and bloom and grow for a good long time.

Alas, the blossom spent vast amounts of energy worrying about what would come next. Would she fall? Would she soar? Would she die? All the blossoms around her were letting go and gently floating through the air. They seemed oblivious to what might lay beneath them.

“How ridiculous,” she thought. “Don’t they know you have to fight for what you want?”

“Really?” chimed in the branch upon which she clung. “All I do is sit here, come rain or shine, and beautiful, amazing things happen to me.”

“Like what?” asked the blossom.

“Like green leaves and blooms and purple sprouts and colors changing and covering me in pink light until I am so full I don’t know what to do. And just when I think I can’t hold another thing, the load begins to lighten – slowly, but surely – the weight dissolves and I grow and morph and change into something new.”

“But if I fall from this branch, I will die and turn into mush.”

“Yes, you will change forms, but you will become food and molecules. You will transform into something new and life giving.”

“But will I be as beautiful as before?”

“Who defines beauty? Beauty is in your heart, not your color or weight or size or smell. Give it a try. Let go.”

And so the blossom let go and she was filled with the greatest exhilaration of her existence. She was free in those moments as she floated to the earth. Free as a bird. She was swimming in the air and nothing else mattered in the world.

So... will you consider the possibilities and undiscovered adventures awaiting you in the coming year? Is there something you need to let go? I know I'll be pondering this over the coming days.

plum blossoms © lucy, 2007