Sunday, April 29, 2007

Refusal to Journey

“The refusal to begin our journey doesn’t keep us from having one.” Julia Cameron The Sound of Paper

“Where are you at?” is the question posed in today’s reading by Julia Cameron. I am sitting in my bed on a Sunday morning once again contemplating whether or not to go to church. What is church anyway? It feels pretty holy here in my bed surrounded by my books, a candle lit, silence allowing for thoughts and meditation. But I digress. Where am I? I am sitting in the middle of my life. A life that has been full but at times has felt wasted, especially now that I see the potential and am open to the joy and expanse around me. But, you can’t go back and honestly I do not have regrets; for every moment has brought me to be the woman I am today. So, where am I?

The most present thought is that I have a month before me more open and waiting than I have had in a long time. I have finished my work at the graduate school for the year and I do not have a Soltura trip planned until the end of the month. The possibilities are wide open. So what shall I do? My writing instructor has suggested I send a piece to a couple of places for publication. Terrifying! Rejection looms on the horizon. Cameron says, “It is not the start, it is the finish that troubles us.” If I do not move, however, I may miss out not only on rejection, but on the possibility of success. This feels like when I considered returning to school a few of years ago. What if I could not do it? And, yet here I sit a full year after graduation, diploma in hand.

What do I fear? Missing out on something? Being hurt? Rejection? Those old words of ‘not good enough’ rattle around inside me. The conversation is running in my head. If you don’t start, how can you finish? If you don’t try, how will you ever know what you are capable of? If you don’t submit an article, how can it ever be published? Can I practice what I preach? I wrote just yesterday to Antony that “I don't think "calling" is past its time until we are toes up in the tulips.” So, if writing is my calling (at least for today), I guess I better keep at it.

So, one last look at the question “where am I?” I am sitting with the month of May before me. I am excited to have some space and time to reflect, to garden, to hang out with my family and maybe even to write a little and, even riskier, put a few writings out there for consideration. Whew!

After all, the journey will happen whether I think I’ve started down the road or not.

5 comments:

Tess said...

Have courage. Live in the present with an eye to the future. (Easier said than done...)

Antony said...

If you keep writing stuff like this, so honest...and it encourages me too...thank you.

Once again we resonate much with each other.
Peace

aka lucy said...

tess and antony--thanks for being on this journey with me :-)

Sunrise Sister said...

"What is church anyway? It feels pretty holy here in my bed surrounded by my books, a candle lit, silence allowing for thoughts and meditation".....oooooooh, dangerous question, with a very scary 'logical answer'. Sounds a lot like - "I can be with God on the golf course more than in church" - a line that seems distantly familiar to me in some way.
Church? I believe it's the community of persons to which we/you are called to do the things we/you ought to do and to discuss those things which we/you ought not to do:)

Oh, you're brave to toss your thoughts out to us.....Sunrise Sis

aka lucy said...

thank you, ss. i wholeheartedly agree with your definition of church and also agree with the "dangerous question" aspect. church definitely includes a community, but i guess my real question is when (or did) that community become restricted to a designated building on a Sunday morning?

i realized this morning that i was more likely referring to prayer or worship when i asked the question what is church?

henri nouwen speaks: "praying is not simply some necessary compartment in the daily schedule of a Christian or a source of support in time of need, nor is it restricted to Sunday mornings or mealtimes. Praying is living. It is eating and drinking, action and rest, teaching and learning, playing and working. Praying pervades every aspect of our lives."

it is, i believe, living in community with prayer and worship always having a role.

thank you for challenging me to continue to define what i believe. thank you for being part of my church community!

love, sister lucy