Monday, May 04, 2009


I am really having a hard time finding my center these days. Perhaps it is being away from home and routine. Late nights filled with a little too much wine and festivity. Groggy mornings spent lounging and sipping cappuccino while the ocean breeze blows across my face. Is there such a thing as too much paradise?

I wonder if the discombobulation comes from too much activity – lack of routine – overindulgence. Or perhaps is it a result of my recent “retirement” from a job and institution I have loved for five years? What comes of being surrounded by people who talk of high-level politics, economics and other “ics”? I want to indulge in matters of the heart, but find there are few doors in. My heart feels lonely and sad. I am a spiritual misfit here.

The crowds are thinning and I will hopefully have a little more time to center over the next few days. My favorite monk arrives this afternoon. Perhaps the spiritual balance will shift. I am really having a hard time finding my center these days. My writing feels stifled. My voice sounds hollow. And even my skin is having a strange reaction to the sun.

Weird unfurling and a struggle to list Bliss even as I sit in the middle of paradise. Wonder what’s up with that? Anybody besides me (and Sue) ever feel discombobulated?


Anonymous said...

Interesting post that I will have to mull over...

And I love that word! I know it's not necessarily a word to love, but I do. I like saying it. :)

Relax into it. Let yourself be it. And I guess...let go of expectation?

Barbara said...

Hard for me to figure out what is going on there on your side of the computer screen. My first impression is that you are trying to maintain your balance while you are in a "between space" of some sort. All I have to offer is the suggestion to relax and BE. As a chemist I learned that, if you give things a little time, most systems equilibrate. ;)

Kayce aka lucy said...

blisschick--i love that word too. maybe i made all of this up just so i could use the word :-) yep, letting go seems like an appropriate path. i think part of my process is releasing it out into the universe (sometimes via blogosphere) rather than letting it puddle up inside of me. thanks for mulling. come back if you have more thoughts. they're always welcome!

barbara--i also like that word "equilibrate"...hopefully my discombobulation will equilibrate... or not...i'm letting go of expectations right now and starting BEing!!!

thanks, ladies. i think maybe i'm just missin' my homeys here at diamonds :-)

kate i said...

Oh yes, I often feel discombobulated, disoriented, distracted, disassociated, and disturbed with my sense of self. There's something about the tropics (the heat?) that seems to propel me into this state. I love it there, but I don't feel like me, or at least the me that I'm used to being!

It's interesting to observe and be aware of.

It sounds like heartfelt changes are happening in your life beginnings can often be discombobulating, even when they're wonderful!

Kel said...

when I'm feeling like a spiritual misfit (which is often) finding centre and maintaining it is a challenge

external paradise is of little comfort when internally discombobulated

may your innards find peace and paradise within :)

Abbey of the Arts said...

I love that word too and often use it to describe when I no longer feel rooted in my center.

I have been thinking of you, even had a dream you were in last night, and am glad to have a window into your process this week.

You have sustained many changes the last few weeks and so be gentle with yourself. I imagine there are whole worlds of grief still waiting for some attention. Perhaps your view of the sea can hold some of that for you, make space within you for it to rise and recede again and again.

Love you so very much! C

hmmbrd said...

Hi Kayce,
You sound like i feel these days. Usual structures gone, we are left with ourselves.Alone amidst strange conversations, a strange sun, even your skin is being strange. I'm glad you have a favorite Monk coming as respite from the bobulations. I guess today, i will have to be my own favorite Monk.
wear your floaties in the bobulating sea!!! (it's pouring in our city today if that helps)

Dianna Woolley said...

Lucy, How funny so many of us feel akin to the word "discombobulated" - it was my first thought also about the word feeling good in the mouth, in the say of it, even in the recognition of it.

I must say that as many wonderful days and experiences I've had this year there is one that felt so unnatural to me that I just took the keyboard and hit Delete, delete, delete. Boom, I was free!

It was all about the blogs I was reading each day, writing, and the feedback for myself I was feeling from both actions. Although I enjoyed the looks, the art, decorativeness of many sites, I finally realized that they were very disinterested in what I had to say on my blog OR in their comments section. I yearned for a little discourse, some kind of feedback in return for what I felt I was offering to the "relationship." Knocking one's head against the wall in the wrong "room" is not really smart, so as I said, delete, delete, delete. I have since shuffled my regular reading, beefed up the feeds and have found sites of interest that feed my heart and soul.

I too enjoy the spin of a new group or of one not visited often but I find the spiritual conversation I have with friends and strangers alike is what brings life to my writing and to my artwork.

I think you're in a "middle place" right now also as some of your other commenters have said. I know there's just the right place awaiting your arrival - they're in for a wonderful surprise when they find you!


Unknown said...

I have had these feelings all through the month of April, that was probably why my posts weren't of their usual positive nature...feeling discombobulated I feel is normal when we are experiencing something new, it is for me and I work to find center much like you...just know you have lots of folks out here who understand and pray for all of us to find our center and our peace.

I love the word discombobulated!


Karen said...

Oh yes, definitely been there...happen to be there right now, in fact. Life continues as usual, but I'm all over the place these days--hopping from one thing to the next, feeling guilt about what's not being done, wondering if I'll ever settle down again. Sigh.

Kayce aka lucy said...

kate - i really appreciate your thoughts on the "tropics" since i know it is a place you adore as well. it's just so different. i have often wondered if i would find my rhythm (or center) were i left alone without other beings around. it feels like it might be easier.

thanks, kel. we "spiritual misfits" must stick together!

oh, c - i do indeed feel those waves of grief rising and receding with the fall of the sea. the beach is covered with pink-white sand, but underneath is volcanic rock. there is something very powerful watching to water burst over the tops of the view rocks that sit high out of the water. the dark lava rock contrasting with the turquoise and white ocean...well, lots to ponder.

hmmbrd - looking forward to spending a little floating time with you, hopefully in the not too distant future. NOT looking forward to returning to chill gray skies!!

SS--this middle place is incredibly hard. i love the freeness you speak of from hitting delete delete delete. there are definitely places in my life i would like to do that. unfortunately, it feels like some of my favorite spots have been the target of the delete button. i know it's no mistake, but still i do long for the place that awaits my arrival.

gabriella - i am glad you have continued to post even when not feeling "cheerful". that is one mask i have tried to remove (the "everything is great" mask...but then i struggle with the 'do-i-sound-like-whining?' mask_there is much to be learned from these discombobulated places. but, dang, does it always have to be so hard?!?!

karen--go easy on the guilt...the rest feels very normal! easy for me to say. ha! glad you stopped by. i've missed you.

maureen said...

lucy i know i am late commenting on this post must have been the abroad thing i so resonate with your words...what do we truly know of ourselves where is home what will the future bring even as i try to just be here today there is an awkwardness to movement and word as i transition to something new and i think i heard that for you as well in your words take care friend