Friday, November 20, 2009

Blessed by Risk...

...a response to yesterday's post.

“It is not so much our friends’ help that helps us as the confident knowledge that they will help us.” --Epicurus

Words like Thank You, Yes, and Sally Fields’ academy award speech from years ago, “You really do like me,” ring through my head. I am wrapped in the warm words of others. We mirror each other and I hear myself in both the encouragement and the resistance. Your words are mine - “I read, but don’t always comment.” The overflowing sentiment (from you and for you) - I am here when you need me.

It has taken me a long time to learn to ask for what I want or need. For me, it can be a paradoxical situation. If I have to ASK, does it lessen the gift when I receive? The challenging thing is that when I get scared or lonely or angry, I can get pretty prickly AND by that point, I don't know how to ask - so I push. Thus, the initial response is for others to back away when what I really need is for someone to move in closer. I need a cocoon to hold me. I need to cry and weep and wail.

The other day I was so beside myself, it was pretty ugly and instead of backing away – my dear sweet husband leaned in. He wrapped me in a giant bear hug and held on. I cried – we cried – wracking, gut-wrenching, snot-slinging, unabashed tears. I pushed away ...surrendered ...and then cried some more. Somewhere inside my little soul, I was confident he was there to help me. And you know what? When I finally came up for air – I laughed. Yes, laughed! I felt lighter, better, more complete and real.

A similar thing happened yesterday as soon as I wrote the words “Would it make a difference if you knew I was sad”? Something deep inside me KNEW you would show up. And you came – lots of you – some I had no idea ever visited here! You offered much and it didn’t even matter what you said (although I loved every word). My heart lifted when the first comment showed up in my inbox… Really, I think my heart began to shift when I took the risk to ask. It was the sheer act (yes, sheer, as in transparent) of risking the ASK – risking to be real – even though I couldn’t definitively predict what might happen.

My heart overflows with gratitude and I want to sit here for hours basking in your wisdom. It’s hard – very hard, but I am going to push away the desire to spend the day at the computer responding to everyone's wonderful posts. I need to move and stretch and maybe go dance in the rain. Perhaps it’s a risk and you will see me as selfish – I certainly hope not. I have been, and continue to be, blessed by your words and presence. SO...I offer this in return:

May your day be blessed with risk,
May your fears be answered with companions,
May you know that you are loved, and
Experience the inseparable wonder of both grief and joy.

Peace to you, my friends.

"fashion risks" - dublin 2009 © lucy

13 comments:

Sorrow said...

Be about Self,
be about breathing in,
for it is what you need.
So glad to read that the universe answered you.
and thank you for the blessing.

Brett said...

Blessed by risk just about sums things up for me of late. My problem is that i have denied myself those blessing all too often these days. I can relate to your pushing away when you need to beckon. This morning's pages revealed i have been pushing away my fear. I have been VERY aware of it for quite some time. But i deny my blessing by turning away from the risk involved in diving into my fear. So i give a quick nod of recognition and run fast in the opposite direction. (Thinking i have done great work.) This has been a hiding for me. I have exiled myself in separation. This is my expulsion from The Garden. Here all the while...but unavailable to me because of the ferocious aloneness of my fear. This is not living but more akin to surviving. You are my mirror, Kayce. Thank you for helping me see my avoidance patterns in a new light. Thank you for being you. I am so awed and privileged to have you share your journey with me. For me, Diamonds is so filled with profundity and so well put. Thank you.

Maureen said...

From fears to tranquillities.

You come home to yourself.

The Pollinatrix said...

I relate to every single word of that second paragraph - I'm just the same.

This post has refreshed me beyond what I can express.

Thank you.

kate i said...

I'm so glad that you're feeling clearer and happier today Kayce. Some days are good days and others not so much but thank God for those who love us and know when we need to be held close!

Thanks for the heartfelt blessing...and I love your photo's of fashion "risks"!

differenceayearmakes said...

When we are at a point of change very often our emotions run rampant. And when we've had a particularly soul moving experience it is normal to renter to with a resounding thump.

I have been reading and enjoying your blog for a long time. What you write is always very powerful and I know that I sometimes have to comtemplate awhile before I post a response and sometimes I just can't find the words.

You've been risking for a long time - I remember your questioning your blogging before - you're maybe just getting better at it without realizing it.

Rebecca Johnson said...

Lucy, I am so grateful to somehow be a small part of this beautiful journey that you are on, that we are all on. Know that you are being held and loved. Living and loving will always be a risk, thanks for reminding us. Love....

speck of dust said...

Thank you. You don't come across as selfish at all. You share so much. I also relate to fighting off my sadness. And am really uncomfortable asking for love/help/support. Hugs to you x

SUNRISE SISTER said...

xoxoxo

kigen said...

Lucy, I just hope my treasuring your "cackle" in best loved things at Diamonds, was as delightful to you as I meant it to be. I imagine some of those super-laugh moments you describe to be similar to the Hillary Clinton "cackle," which broke me up, every time I heard it!

Tess said...

Dearest Lucy, I'm sorry I wasn't here to add my virtual hugs to your earlier post - I've been away for a few days.

I'm glad your faithful fans have made you smile again.

To answer the question from your previous post, I suspect it isn't so much knowing the sadness, but recognising the courage (in asking) and vulnerability that brings a flood of answers. Apart from the human instinct to comfort, there's a recognition of shared humanity.

I hope you enjoyed your dance in the rain.

Love x

Barbara said...

I often think of risk as an aspect of faith: in this case, faith in those who love you is confirmed only through risk. It is the heart of my funambule persona that resides down deep within me. We are all called, from time to time, to walk a tightrope. It requires trust and a big risk that our self-image is, in fact, so much smoke and mirrors. There is not another way to get across the abyss and, funnily enough, if we take that walk, we do arrive safely and sooner than we thought.

lucy said...

the words of wisdom and care shine through in every one of your comments. i shall continue to practice my own care by not trying to individually respond to everyone here, however, please know i treasure each word and sentiment shared and am truly "blessed by risk."

wishing you a sacred sunday! xoxoox