Saturday, May 12, 2007

Is It Safe Here?

Over the last several days I have written page upon page of words. Some have been in my head and some actually put onto paper and yet I cannot seem to produce a post. Everything seems to be either intensely personal or bland. I can only speak from personal experience and my experience is anything but bland. It is full of love, hate, fear and passion. I have lived being numb and I hate it. I refuse to live there anymore and still at times I feel trapped as to where and how I can safely share my passions. So where is the balance between sharing what is me and crossing a line where it does not feel safe anymore?

I know that it is my choice what I put here for you to see and yet I have had this nagging feeling of unsafety for the last few days. Maybe it is a result of watching other blogging friends struggle with their own honesty and vulnerability. Maybe it is due to encounters I have had recently in my own life. It also feels a little creepy to know that dozens of people visit this site each day and yet very few (in fact no one for the last two or three days) leave comments. Is this a community as many have suggested or is it a spectator sport? Do you simply want to observe or will you choose to engage? What feels safe to you?

In closing, here are some words from Mark Nepo.

"We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are, when beneath every attitude is the want to be loved, and beneath every anger is a wound to be healed, and beneath every sadness is the fear that there will not be enough time."

photo by bill hughlett

9 comments:

Tess said...

Sometimes just reading, nodding along, laughing or shedding a tear at what you've written feels like engaging, even when I don't post a comment. But of course you can't see that!

But I know what you mean. I sometimes ask myself why I blog. A lot of it is because not so many of my real life friends are interested in what I am. (Or maybe they are and I'm too busy blogging to ask them.)

I really like the quote.

Soutenus said...

I am relatively new in the blogging community. My blog was created awhile ago but I have just recently begun to be dilligent in posting. I came across your blog about 1 month ago? and linked to you.
I feel kind of like a new neighbor who comes over to share tea or borow a cup of sugar. I feel comfortable and safe coming to your blog.
I would not want to infringe or feel like a spectator. When I visit blogs regualrly I feel that sense of community. I also believe we owe it to each other to be a caring community; to pray or lend a listening ear.
Peace be with you.

aka lucy said...

tess--

i love to imagine you "reading, nodding along, laughing or shedding a tear" here with me. thanks for taking the time to comment today.

soutenus--

you are welcome here anytime and oh how delightful to consider having a cup of tea or loaning you a cup of sugar.

blessings to you both and thank you!

Antony said...

Lucy,
I just wanted to let you know I stopped by. I hope I'm safe. :)
Peace to this wonderful space on the web.

Geezer Dude said...

My safety zone lies in reading your messages and pondering them based on what you write and what I think I know about you. I check frequently for your posts. I seldom reply, but always ponder. M and I discuss what you share.

My life is relatively bland. I think I am happy with that. I sometimes share that with those in turmoil to let them know that life indeed can be ordinary. Mostly ordinary can be pretty nice. I do try to be prepare in case events become extraordinary.

It sounds like K may be feeling the lack of safety. Perhaps Lucy might take a bigger role in writing for a while.

I don't post much, but please consider me to be a relatively silent, but active participant in the community.

With love and care,

D(ude)
(That would be the "Geezer Dude," not to be confused with the "Big Dude" or the "Little Dude." ;-) )

goodfornowt said...

Lucy,
It's not just what you write, but how, and the way it makes sense to me, that means so much.
I too have not long been blogging and get quite confused and doubtful about what I should say and how personal a note to strike. I'm British and have been brought up to keep things to myself and not express emotion, and never, never complain.
There is so much wrong with my life and my faith, but too much shame and guilt around admitting and sharing it.
I totally identify with your quote from Mark Nepo.
Thanks again. I'll try and loosen up.

aka lucy said...

so nice to have the gentlemen weigh in from north (minnesota) to south (texas) and across the ocean (britain). glad to know you are here and i hope you will continue to say "hi" from time to time. that definitely feels safe to me.

and here's to everyone "loosening up" a bit. "lucy" is a great reminder!

have a great life today!

Sunrise Sister said...

Oh, I am so annoyed! I wrote such an inspired response this a.m. and I see the evil forces of the internet have prevented it from reaching you.

Determined, I will push on and try to reinvent my genius:)

Putting your thoughts and talent out there for all of us to comment upon takes real courage or a wish for self-destruction:) Your devoted audience right now of 6 or 7 active commenters encourages you to push on with the greatness we're expecting....blandness, notwithstanding!

Not quite having psychoanalyzed all the aspects of love, hate, fear, and compassion that you mentioned in your call for endorsement (?), I'll give you a quick take on these aforementioned feelings developed during my 24 hour pondering of your post....oh yes, you had me pondering.

You've plenty of love and compassion easily pouring from your pen - no way to hide those two, so that was easy.

The hate - I can't even touch that one because - I don't know why I can't touch that one. I guess I'm surprised that there is room for that emotion in your book bag.

Ah, but the fear - this one I feel perfectly confident in shedding light upon. The fear, of course, is your fear of stepping into the abyss (I'm sure I've chosen that phrase from a previous post of yours) yes, stepping into the abyss and not knowing where you'll go from here.

What if you don't continue to please your audience of 6 or 7 devoted commenters? What if you don't "become" "someone?" What if the fullness of your thoughts turns out to be just a brief inspirational whiff of talent, what if, what if, what if?

Well, you are already "someone." You have already proven to all of us that you are inspired beyond blandness again and again. You have touched us with your posts and we encourage you to go beyond these blog boundaries to share your writings to a much wider audience.

Wow, isn't that great psycho analyis? If I wasn't so amazingly humble, I'd be right proud of myself:)

It's your turn to ponder....

Love, Sunrise Sis

aka lucy said...

sunrise sis--

have you missed your calling? much pondering with you over the last 24 hours. when i considered the word "hate" i, too, had a hard time deciding where or if that is within my bookbag these days...freud would say if i wrote it, it must be floating around in my subconscious bag somewhere...

and yes, there is always that fear of failure and i loved geezer dude's comments that "k may be the one scared right now so lucy needs to take over". i agree wholeheartedly.

and, i adore my few faithful readers and their contribution to this space and therefore to my life. what i still do wonder about, however, are those 20 or so other regular visitors who NEVER post a thing. what's that about? maybe you can help me analyze that!

thank you for your continued love and support.