Wide Open Space

“Somehow we manage it: to like our friends, to tolerate not only their little ways but their huge neuroses, their monumental oddness: “Oh well,” we smile, “it’s one of her funny days.” -- Fleur Adcock

The past couple of days have felt like “funny days” for me. Do you ever find yourself with so much wide-open space that you don’t know what to do? I have been known to find myself with entirely too much to do that I become paralyzed. But, how ironic is the notion that not having anything scheduled can be as much of a distraction as having too much? When I have a full schedule, I crave free time and now that I have days wide open before me, I crave a schedule. Julia Cameron says that artists actually need structure and many times must devise it for themselves by creating schedules in “lives that are too wide open to be productive.”

So, this morning I have taken Julia’s advice and following my morning pages I have attempted to bring some thoughts together, but I keep getting stuck. “Friends” has been a topic that continues to muddle around in my head. I love my friends. I miss my friends. And now I allow myself to be distracted about the absence of their presence. Silly girl.

I love the idea of treating alone time not as a space of loneliness but as a gift of solitude. I can relish the quiet. Choose my own music. Dance throughout the house if I like. For I have been given the gift of time. I get to decide what to do with it. What a luxury! So, why can I not settle in to that for now?

Still feeling a little silly and somewhat distracted, I have at least added a bit of structure to my day by making an entry here. It will be interesting to see how the rest of the day unfolds. (I wonder if this falls into the category of ‘little ways’ or ‘monumental oddness.’) Oh well.