“My dance. No one does it like I do. I am delighted and slightly disturbed by so much responsibility riding on me just being me. It seems that when I begin to experience fully and wholly the sweet spots of life, doubt starts to creep in. Can this be real? How long will it last? Recently, I have fought the words “courageous” and “brave” as they have been ascribed to me. Why? It feels like a battle for my soul. If I continue to step into life and live peacefully in the midst of craziness, it is a threat to evil. It is breaking the chains that bind me to daily drudgery and mediocrity.”
Saturday, I was cleaning and sorting my computer files and ran across the above-undated words. When did I write them? What was going on in my life? As time would have it, those words seem equally as appropriate (possibly even more so) today than they did the day I originally penned them. There is definitely a battle going on. This morning I wrote in my morning pages that there are things I desire to say that Lucy would just go ahead and write without care to what others may think. As I write now, I ponder why do I hold back? What am I afraid of? (It took me two tries to get over my fear of hanging prepositions and leave the previous sentence as is.) If I am afraid of proper grammar then how much more hesitant will I be as I continue to bump up against the ingrained voices of my past and present? Fortunately, I can choose. It is, after all, “my dance” and with Lucy by my side who knows what may happen? Stay tuned and journey along with me because as my tagline says:
“I write to discover what I know” –Flannery O’Connor (& me)
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4 comments:
"As I write now, I ponder why do I hold back? What am I afraid of? (It took me two tries to get over my fear of hanging prepositions and leave the previous sentence as is.) If I am afraid of proper grammar then how much more hesitant will I be as I continue to bump up against the ingrained voices of my past and present?"
Could have written it myself. Sorry, I could have written it myself.
I love the way you have Lucy as your alter ego. She'll keep telling you the right things.
goodfornowt--(i'm) glad to see you here :-)
tess--i seem to recall you writing something about wanting to listen more to the childlike side of yourself...that is definitely who lucy is for me. "She brings me balance. She inspires me to create. She stretches me and makes me laugh. She reminds me where complaining and controlling take me and when it’s time to stop being complacent—to move—to get past myself and don my pigtails or take up my pen."
here's to you remembering your own lucy :-)
"If I continue to step into life and live peacefully in the midst of craziness, it is a threat to evil."
Lucy! I love this sentence that you penned - it sums up all who sometimes live through dark times and manage to just, with God's help in my case, keep on, keepin' on.
Well that's my advice for today - just keep on, keepin' on. Some will laugh, some will cry, some will ask why, and some will - oh, who cares - you can't keep everyone happy all of the time. What's the fun and fact in that?
Love - SS
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