Paradox...Conviction

"Meeting the world in all its painful variety with feet spread and arms open, neither accepting everything nor rejecting everything, but leaning into what is nourishing and letting the rest move on through." -- Mark Nepo

Recently I have been pondering what it looks like to live in paradox. The already and the not yet. The both/ and. The Kingdom come. If we are not definitive, does that mean we lack conviction?

Having grown up in a pretty black and white, right and wrong environment, I must admit that I struggle a bit with the need to take a stand. I find, however, that being a person who “takes a stand”, who is unwavering for the sake of not being “wrong,” is no longer who I am.

I find I am more drawn to words like mystery and possibility rather than good or bad, right or wrong. Does this make me wishy washy and indecisive? I think not. Mystery and possibility feel so much more expansive than toeing the line.

The poet Rilke’s words speak deeply to where I feel I am in life today. He says, “I want to unfold. I don’t want to stay folded anywhere, because where I am folded, there I am a lie.” If I try to keep things folded up or in a box, it seems so limiting. It feels like a lie. And so I want to open up the lid and unfold the mysteries--the areas where I have placed limitations with my judgments and insecurities. I want to live in the paradox where by appearing as though I may not have convictions, I, in reality, have more conviction and truth surrounding me than ever before. The possibilities and the mysteries are limitless. To that I am convicted.

photo by bill