Thursday, March 20, 2008

What's your best?

Geez Louise, this process of wounding, healing, living fully, loving well…is all so exhausting. Should it be? What is the cost of living well? Or thinking you live well? From where does the pressure come? If I was brilliant yesterday, does that mean I must be brilliant again today or I am a failure? Don Miguel Ruiz says, “Always do your best.” Some days that means you pull the covers up and stay in bed.

As I was writing this little rant, I looked out of the window and saw a beautiful little sparrow in the fresh spring blossoms of my ornamental plum tree. It reminded me of a Bible verse which quickly slipped my mind, but I landed on “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” It is apt, but not the one for which I was looking. Wait, here we go: “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?”

How do we stay in relationship (or do anything) if we are constantly worrying about wounding and being wounded. What does it mean to find our own rhythm in the context of relationship? It is such a paradox. A paradoxical dance. I want to see well. I want to be in relationship. I want to find my own pace and rhythm.

Since I returned from Paris, I have been dreaming in French. One of the phrases, that sticks out in my mind is "Je ne parle pas Francais." I don’t speak French. Translated for me from dream world, it means I don’t speak the language. Is that what living life means? Constantly trying to learn the language of ourselves and of those around us? Who does the wounding? Who is responsible for the healing? Can love overcome all? Is it as simple as “turning it over to Christ?” So simple. So hard. So challenging.

Today I will choose to do my best. Who knows what that will look like? Maybe it is some ramblings on a page. Maybe it will be some completed tasks. Maybe it will include pulling the covers back over my head. Life is exhausting…AND it is an amazing and wonderful adventure…Maybe it’s worth peaking through the covers to see what’s out there. Maybe it's worth doing my best...whatever that may look like.

Thoughts? Stirrings? Rants, perhaps?

photo: 'waiting for the bus' by lucy


Ted Marshall said...

OK, I am feeling little stirring or maybe even a rant. Don't know what it will say yet as I'm about to stick it in this little comment box as it arrives:

But we talked about this yesterday, do we have to talk about it again today? Yes of course I'm going through this wounding and healing stuff but do I have to THINK about it all the time? Do I have to let myself FEEL it? Can't I just let myself be distracted by other stuff for crying out loud? Does it matter if we do our best? Do we have to work on our relationships? Isn't it just much saner and safer to forget about all this crap and retreat back into our shells? Yes I know what the answer is. Of course it all matters. But often I JUST WISH IT DIDN'T.

OK Luce, so with that off my chest does that mean I can sleep in tomorrow and not do my morning pages?? ;-)

Barbara said...

I think it is important not to be too overcritical, not to analyze one's progress. We haven't a clue, really. Relax and dump it on Jesus' shoulders.

Kayce aka lucy said...

tess--sleep away! i couldn't have said it better myself...and in hindsight i can't even believe i gave that post that title!!!!!

barbara--that sounds so simple, but how do you turn off a fire hydrant that is gushing into your mouth/face/brain?
maybe it's me that wants to stay in hibernation :-)

elaine said...

Shhhh. Don't tell. I'm supposed to be "working" work. Counting up statistics totally unrelated to the real work I do. There's my rant.

Thought I'd take a break from the numbers to see what Lucy posted. So glad I did.

Time for only a few words now. So much in your post to reflect on but I'll start at the end. Yes to every word in your last full paragraph.

I'm quoting Keri Smith (who writes Wish Jar) when I say this post made feel like "when other people describe what you are feeling exactly and you wish you had written what they wrote." Except I'm glad you wrote it. Easier for me :-)

Better stop now or this may become my "afternoon pages." I shall return.

Dianna Woolley said...

Thoughts, stirrings, rants - all three. Your thoughts stirred up my thoughts and wowee I had some good rants of my own sitting right up at the surface. Turn it over to Jesus? I talk a good game - I'm sure Jesus often sees me and says "I've got out the glove, when are you going to let go of the ball?!"


Kate I said...

Ok, you might as well grab a coffee and get comfortable...I'm rambling...LOL!

There just no simple answer to this...but what comes to mind for me is that we have an obligation to ourselves to find what brings us joy. Others may not like it and may feel it wounds them but finding what makes our heart sing will ulimately liberate others to do the same for themselves.

...and your best today may not be the same as your best's just your best for right now and that's OK. Tomorrow will have a different best.

There's a quote that I love from Oriah Mountaindreamer...The question is not 'why am i so infrequently the person i really want to be', but 'why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am'?

We really are OK right here, right now. I've come to understand, that for me, it's not a matter of trying to be better, kinder, more thoughtful or smarter, it's about loving myself just as I am. Hopefully others will love me too but if not, I'll accept that this doesn't mean that I'm not worth loving. They're just on their own journey with their own issues, as am I and it's taken me a long time to be OK with this(and sometimes I still struggle).

and my final comment...this is your blog, so rant away if that's what you feel like doing!

Kayce aka lucy said...

elaine and SS--look forward to hearing more from both of you :-)

kate i--i couldn't have said it better borrow some words from elaine: "this [comment] made feel like "when other people describe what you are feeling exactly and you wish you had written what they wrote." Except I'm glad you wrote it. Easier for me :-)"

peace to all...i'm just hanging out watching it rain...

Sue said...

Since I returned from Paris, I have been dreaming in French. One of the phrases, that sticks out in my mind is "Je ne parle pas Francais." I don’t speak French


Oh, my goodness, what a wonderful dream. Collage it, Lucy. Collage it.

Sue said...

PS: I just love what Kate says. I think that's the crux.

I also love this:

"Hundreds of flowers in spring, the moon in autumn,
A cool breeze in summer, and snow in winter;
If useless things do not hang in your mind,
Every season is a good season for you."


Country Parson said...

Dear Ranters and Ravers,
Easy does it. The portion of Jesus' sermon on the mount cited by Lucy reminded me of the days when I had it posted on my refrigerator door. I read it every morning wondering if there was any way it could really be true because there was nothing in my life at that time that said it could be. At best it looked like sentimental religious claptrap. That was a long time ago. I'm 65 now, and it is only in looking back that I can affirm, yes it is true, all of it. And maybe looking back is the only way anyone can be certain. So here it is, Maundy Thursday, English for Mandatum Novum, the New Commandment, "Love one another as I have loved you." Not a bad idea, not easy, but worth the effort.

Kayce aka lucy said...

well said, CP...and thanks for the translation of maundy thursday...i always thought it stood for stinky feet or something like that :-)
"not easy, but (definitely) worth the effort". amen.

hmmbrd said...

Just the visual of Lucy peeking out from under the covers keeps me from feeling alone in the journey. I love this blog (not just today) and the comments. It's good to know we are in this together, and can offer space to one another for our ravings and our retreats. Grace seems like the theme. Grace and kindness for what the tone and hue looks like in us each day. Maybe flavor.. flavor of the day. sometimes it tastes like red hots, zesty and fighting, other times, like lavender ice cream. Why do I judge which is better? yet...

Kayce aka lucy said...

sue--i am definitely considering the collage! and thank you for the great quote...much to ponder...

hummingbird--thank you so much for sharing. your words are beautiful, eloquent and likewise comforting to me. i love the thought of flavor of the day and i did not hear the judgment in that...some days i am red hot and other days like lavender, but they are all a part of me!!!

hugs to all.

Wren said...

Your dream suggests to me a wonderful analogy for wounding and healing. I wound, and am wounded, when I cannot connect with someone, as if we were each speaking different languages and were unaware of the hurtfulness of our own words.

The healing shows when we try again, when we dialog about the body language and hidden meanings, to reach some common understanding, to try again to love.

Kayce aka lucy said...

wren--thank you for this wonderful and succinct understanding of what i was trying to say :-) it's nice to have you here.