this weekend has been one of both beautiful and still celebration as well as deep sadness and grief. sometimes i wonder how i put one foot in front of the other and other times the joy grips me and i am overcome with delight.one of this weekend's blessings came in the form of this picture of my mother. it was sent to me by my sister and to my knowledge i had never seen it before. there is something about the photograph and the caption that my sister wrote, "she just wants to be a little girl," that has brought me a sense of peace and connection with my mother that i have not felt for quite some time.
mother died almost 5 years ago and mentally left several before as her mind was taken over by the dreaded alzheimer's. this weekend as i have spent time near my little altar, it has felt like the veil between 'here and there' has indeed been thin. something about this weekend reminded me of these words from richard rohr's daily devotion:
"surrender is something that is done to us.
you can't pick ahead of time which dragon you'll slay. the opportunity always sneaks up on you, and then all you can do is be ready."
am i ready? who knows? i think that is all i can share for now. it may or may not make sense to you readers. i am not totally sure it makes sense to me, but i do know that i wanted and needed to further mark this honoring of ancestors and the beginning of a new year.
there may be more later...or not. wishing you peace.
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11 comments:
your post made me feel weepy, in the best kind of way, where I feel touched by something real and true.
I love the Rohr quote too, it is connected to a stream of words that have been coming to me lately about surrendering (and probably a blog post soon!)
What a gorgeous post! I can't imagine that your mother wasn't there with you; smiling and desiring for you what she desired for herself, the freedom to be herself. Thank you for this beautiful reminder.
G
C--"i feel touched by something real and true." thank you for those words!!!
G--yes, "the freedom to be herself"...is that not what we all desire? peace.
I think I know what you mean about looking at an old photograph and feeling a connection with someone who is physically gone from our lives. I went through a similar process while I was putting together a book of my mother and father's life and family history. As I stared at the photographs, I felt as though I was seeing them as people I'd never known before...children, teenagers, young lovers, young parents. I only knew and remembered them as "older" people.
I felt closer than I ever had before, but it was a sad sweetness.
kate--it is indeed a "sad sweetness"!
Well, I am not surprised that you were moved by the picture and the thought about her "just wanting to be a little girl" - isn't that the truest and sweetest connection that we can make with our parents. By remembering them as children, in their youth, in their early married lives, in their maturity, in their death. There's no room for regret or for blame at their not having done a better job "with us" - there's only a connection with the great responsibility they took on when they birthed, bathed and adored us. I can't write more....I am so happy that your connection with our mother, the little girl, was and is so real.
xoxoxoxoxo
Beautiful. There are some moments that make us realise time is elastic and in some ways, moments are eternal.
SS--i understand what you are saying...for now, however, i think i will just rest and delight in seeing her as a little girl-- that is where i can find the most love and grace--for now.
tess--i love that image of time as "elastic".
xoxooxox to you both!
I'm encouraged as I am reminded to clasp with two hands both the glory moments and the harder realities of who our mothers were/are. Most times I feel like both visions are a bit dull to see being on this side of heaven. I'm glad for your pure glimpse this past weekend. -Tia
tia--this "pure glimpse" felt like heaven right then and there. so glad you stopped by!
hi friends--
obviously a spam detector broke through the barrier on this post. i hope this will not keep you all from posting!
has anyone else had this happen to them? ideas? thoughts?
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